“Friends are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” ~Unknown
End of the
month. What a crappy couple of months it
has been. Probably the worst I’ve had in
a long time. At least since before the
divorce. That’s a time I don’t even
like to think about. I was a different person
back then. I am a different person today
than I was two months ago. Not sure if
it’s for the better yet. I was
definitely hammered and melted down and reformed several times just as the
brass is here at work. I was an ugly
mess. I still need some polishing, but I’m
getting there.
What a difference a
week has made. Closure. Knowing that I can’t do anything to change
your mind is helping me to move on. You
feel that you were the only one putting any effort into the relationship
(really???) and that I didn’t have enough time for you (single mom with a full
time job???). I won’t convince you to
change your heart and I can't change my situation. I deserve better than
that.
Don’t get me wrong –
I still love you. I
can’t seem to throw that away. But I’m letting it go. Praying a lot. And I’ve had help with that. I have some very incredible people in my life. Some old friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. Some newer that are equally as special to me. And some very new. Beautiful angels placed in my path letting me know God is definitely watching out for me. He wants the best for me and wants me to be happy. And is telling me that this isn't my fault and maybe it's not me who is being punished. Maybe he has much bigger plans for me so I need to change my path. It never ceases to amaze me the messages God
sends and who he sends them through if I am just willing to listen.
Breathe. That is what’s on my post-it on my computer. I’ve added patience and listening to it. Now trust and no expectations = no
disappointment. Maybe my only fault that I expected so much and you weren’t able to deliver on it. So I’m trying to take it one day at a
time. One step at a time. Remembering what is now in indelible ink on my foot so I'll never forget. Not imagine and daydream of how it might
be. Just enjoy it for what it is
now.
I’m not able to dream yet. I need something solid to stand on. When I find that, maybe I can look forward
again. It’s still about
today. About making it from break to
break. I don’t even want to plan next week
let alone next month because I’m afraid of what it will hold (or won’t
hold). And I can’t afford to slip
backwards into that darkness again.
For now it’s
repairing my relationship with God. Strengthening
my relationship with my children. We
have definitely all hurt and grown from this.
And repairing my relationship with myself. Learning to trust myself again. To have faith in my judgement. To trust that I can love again. Even more importantly that I can be loved
again and there are many people out there that love me unconditionally. Especially when I didn’t love myself. Building and rebuilding ties with the beautiful people who have stayed. God has sent many angels to surround me and
protect me. Sometimes you can even see
those angels.
So here's a thank you to my angels. You know who you are and I hope you realize how incredibly special you are to me. I will never be able to thank you enough for loving me and standing by me when I couldn't stand myself. For lifting my feet when I couldn't feel my wings. For showing me I could fly again...
