What I Might Be...

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." ~Lao Tsu

There is a positive side to being crushed and broken.  When your guts are exposed for all of the world to see, you are finally able to start seeing yourself for who you really are. Or aren't in my case.

You see - I was Superwoman.  

I could leap tall buildings with a single bound and traverse freeways at high speeds to get to a soccer game without getting a ticket or losing a kid.  I ran from one end of town to another because I was an awesome mom.  I stayed up until 4 a.m. to make cupcakes so everyone would know what a perfect family we had.

I was the fixer.  

I was the one to make everything better because I was so good at it.  I was the strong one.  I could face giants with just my slingshot and battle evil Principals to advocate for my children.  I was the loyal one.  I stuck it out even though the marriage had torn me to shreds and daily stole a little bit more of my soul.  Because it was the right thing to do.

I was the karate kid.

I earned my blackbelt in my early 40's.  I was a ultra-marathon athlete (5k actually) climbing over foreboding obstacles and crawling through the mud.  I was the biggest loser who lost 80 pounds in 6 months.  I worked out not to get in shape, but because I didn't want to be the fat bride in the wedding pictures when that finally happened.  I spend a small fortune on clothes and shoes and jewelry so I can look great for a guy because I am so afraid that he is going to see me for who I really am - a 42-year-old divorced mom with a few more stretch marks than she would like vegging in shorts and a tank top.  

I am a fraud.

I am not really any of those things - strong, confident, together, Superwoman, fixed.  What I am is a scared little girl that has no real idea how to make it in this world.  I am fighting by instinct alone, having grown up without any guidelines as to what a normal family is.  I don't know how to be a great mom while working 50 hours a week.  I am afraid to write what is really on my heart because I am so scared I am going to hurt someone else's feelings - totally disregarding my own.

I am afraid.

I am still that scared little girl in St. Jerome's playground sitting on the curb afraid to talk to anyone because I am afraid that no one will really like me when they see who I really am.  I am a frazzled, wannabe soccer mom who desperately wants a normal family with a dad and mom and a white picket fence, not a two bedroom apartment in the middle of 1300 other apartments that is a mess because today we had to run to karate, cub scouts, two soccer games on the other end of town, the grocery store, Wendy's drive -in, parent teacher conferences and then back to Walgreen's because the girls have a project due tomorrow and it's already way past their bedtime.  So I'll drive across town to meet you not because I'm so cool but because after all of that, I didn't have time to wash the dishes or make my bed.  

I am broken.

But now, being broken, all the pieces are laid out before me now like a shattered mirror.  I can see every imperfection reflecting back at me.  I can still see the good stuff too but I'm able to put them in perspective now.  I know all of the pieces are going to be put back together as I heal.  It won't be perfect.  It might not even be pretty.  Not all the pieces will fit just right, so there may be some extra putty holding it there.  But I know God will be that putty and if I just give in a be who I am instead of who I want everyone to think I am, it will be ok.  I will be ok.  And now I get to start seeing just who I might be...

Found my rose-colored glasses...

“It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.” ~Anthony Robbins

Focus.  Today was a difficult day for me.  I should have been in a beautiful place with an amazing person having the time of my life.  Instead, I got to play soccer mom.  Granted, it's one of my favorite jobs in the whole world, but that trip had been "our" trip.  At least for the seemingly fairy-taley last two years.  But he's gone and is no longer our trip.

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to think of anything else today.  I mean, I knew he was going to be there.  I knew he was with somebody new.  I knew someone else was going to be in his arms and causing his smile.  Damn.  

But God had other plans for me today.  I went to the soccer pictures and saw several of my East Side friends.  I went to practice and enjoyed the morning sun on my face and the dew on my feet.  I introduced myself to one of the Cub Scout moms.  Then, right as we were finished, I happened to strike up a conversation with a truly amazing pair of people.  And to think I almost walked away before I could meet them because we had been gone all morning.

We talked about everything from ADHD to dating to divorce and found that we had a ton of stuff in common.  But most importantly, we talked about God.  How He is in our lives and His plans for us.  How God should be first in our lives.  Our spouses second and kids third.  I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but it truly makes sense when you see it in action.  David said for the guy to focus on God and the wife to focus on the man.  That God on the sixth day sent His Spirit out into the world.

That's when it hit me.  I posted last week that I had misplaced my rose-colored glasses.  The glasses aren't glasses at all.  It's why I can see the good even though I acknowledge the bad.  God is the rose-colored tint.  He is the good I want to see despite the ugly.  Despite the wrinkles and the scars.  God is my pair of glasses and by looking for Him in the world, I will see the beauty that I have always craved.  His spirit is the beauty that I see in everyone.  

It has nothing to do with me only wanting to see the pretty side of things.  It's that I want to be closer to God and anything that reminds me of him.  From my kids to a sunset to a smile from a stranger.  The reason I thought I had misplaced them was because my anger was blinding me to the fact that God was there all the time waiting for me to open my eyes.  He hadn't gone anywhere.  My pain and anguish just caused me not to be willing to see what was right in front of my eyes. 

So today, go look for the beauty.  It is everywhere and in everything.  Know that the warmth and comfort you gain is the Holy Spirit laying His wings upon you.  And me.  Because I can finally see and feel what God has been telling me all along: "I'm here and I'm not going away.  You just have to look and I'm right there waiting for you."  And He is. 

Has anyone seen my rose-colored glasses?

“Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals. Nobody wants to read the small print in dreams.” ~Ann Landers

 Reality.  It sucks.  Yeah I said it.  I have been accused many times of looking through life through rose-colored glasses.  It's not that I'm naive (which I am sometimes).  It's that I like to focus on the good in people and situations.  I don't like to think about the ugly parts of it.   Life is too short to dwell on the negative.  But being depressed tends to change all that in a very abrupt and painful way.  It's like pulling an extremely sticky bandage off of a very open wound and then pouring acid on it.  And then putting the old dirty bandage back over it to seal in all the yuck.

  The great part about depression (as if there can be a great part to being devestated) is that it rips the rose-colored glasses off of you and shoves your face into reality.  If you allow it, it will only let you look at the ugly side of things.  I say that as if you could have any control at allowing it or not.  You don't.  You could have the most beautiful sunset on the most beautiful beach in the world sitting with the most amazing people and feel completely numb to it.  You almost can't feel the heat from the sun.  

  Believe me, I know from experience.  Because less than a month ago I was there.  On the perfect beach with a perfect sunset with the perfect people.  And I was just this side of numb.  I had the power of the warm salty ocean crashing against my body yet I could barely feel it.  Maybe it's because I put so many walls up so I couldn't feel the pain that it just blocked everything.

  Life has forced me to take a very harsh look at everything in my life.  It's almost like it screamed at me "wake up and take a look around you!"  What I see is very much not the perfect little life I thought I had.  Or maybe I had but I've lost it.  Everything looks different now.  Feels different now.  I'm back to those shadows I didn't even know existed until I was in the light.  Those rose-colored glasses not only skewed my vision but my feelings as well.  Now the warmth has been taken away.

  Or I'm blocking it.  Which means I hold the key to my recovery.  I'd like to find where I placed those glasses.  If I just had those, then everything would be warm and fuzzy.  I'm sitting here at my desk with the sunlight filtering in the window yet I'm sitting in the shadows.  The sun begins merely a foot or so away from me.  I know the light would warm me from the inside out yet I am paralyzed to move towards it.  Is it that I can't move or I won't?  Isn't that the million dollar question?!

  So for today, I am looking for the beauty in little things.  A pretty sunrise, a gentle wind blowing through the branches, a new melody that piques my curiosity.  I can't quite feel them yet and extract the pleasure that I know is there.  But I'm looking for them and towards them; trying to ignore the ugliness and putting it behind me.  I hope soon I can let it go instead of holding on to it like an anchor.  And maybe soon I will find where I misplaced those glasses...

Sometimes you can even see the angels...

“Friends are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” ~Unknown 

  End of the month.  What a crappy couple of months it has been.  Probably the worst I’ve had in a long time.  At least since before the divorce.    That’s a time I don’t even like to think about.  I was a different person back then.  I am a different person today than I was two months ago.  Not sure if it’s for the better yet.  I was definitely hammered and melted down and reformed several times just as the brass is here at work.  I was an ugly mess.  I still need some polishing, but I’m getting there.

 What a difference a week has made.  Closure.  Knowing that I can’t do anything to change your mind is helping me to move on.  You feel that you were the only one putting any effort into the relationship (really???) and that I didn’t have enough time for you (single mom with a full time job???).  I won’t convince you to change your heart and I can't change my situation.  I deserve better than that.

  Don’t get me wrong – I still love you.  I can’t seem to throw that away.  But I’m letting it go.  Praying a lot.  And I’ve had help with that.  I have some very incredible people in my life.  Some old friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin.  Some newer that are equally as special to me.  And some very new.  Beautiful angels placed in my path letting me know God is definitely watching out for me.  He wants the best for me and wants me to be happy.  And is telling me that this isn't my fault and maybe it's not me who is being punished.  Maybe he has much bigger plans for me so I need to change my path.  It never ceases to amaze me the messages God sends and who he sends them through if I am just willing to listen.

  Breathe.  That is what’s on my post-it on my computer.  I’ve added patience and listening to it.  Now trust and no expectations = no disappointment.  Maybe my only fault that I expected so much and you weren’t able to deliver on it.  So I’m trying to take it one day at a time.  One step at a time.  Remembering what is now in indelible ink on my foot so I'll never forget.  Not imagine and daydream of how it might be.  Just enjoy it for what it is now.

  I’m not able to dream yet.  I need something solid to stand on.  When I find that, maybe I can look forward again.  It’s still about today.  About making it from break to break.  I don’t even want to plan next week let alone next month because I’m afraid of what it will hold (or won’t hold).  And I can’t afford to slip backwards into that darkness again.

  For now it’s repairing my relationship with God.  Strengthening my relationship with my children.  We have definitely all hurt and grown from this.  And repairing my relationship with myself.  Learning to trust myself again.  To have faith in my judgement.  To trust that I can love again.  Even more importantly that I can be loved again and there are many people out there that love me unconditionally.  Especially when I didn’t love myself.  Building and rebuilding ties with the beautiful people who have stayed.  God has sent many angels to surround me and protect me.  Sometimes you can even see those angels. 

  So here's a thank you to my angels.  You know who you are and I hope you realize how incredibly special you are to me.  I will never be able to thank you enough for loving me and standing by me when I couldn't stand myself.  For lifting my feet when I couldn't feel my wings.  For showing me I could fly again...

Almost time

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” ~Unknown

Wow.  Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Now that I re-read this I'm mad that I didn't realize it was coming.  But he did.  And now it's done...

January 14th.  It's almost time.  I can feel it now.  The end is approaching.  I don't know when but it's coming.  And I don't think I am dreading it as much as I thought.  
I love this man.  Truly.  Deeply.  And it will hurt a lot when this happens.  But I've learned to love myself.  I don't know if this pulls away from getting too close to someone.  I know this time I've held back a little.  After you've had your heart shattered it's tough to completely open it again.  I made the decision not to hold myself back from love.  But I don't know if I will ever leave myself that vulnerable again.  
I can tell that their has been a shift.  Phone calls have been more brief.  Date nights have been fewer and further between.  I know we have both been busy and tired, but we've settled into being an old married couple.  He doesn't talk as much about marriage any more and he's the one who brought it up in the first place.  
But I want to be an old married couple.  I just wanted to be married when we got to that point.  Now I think it's just comfortable.  I don't know if I've been acting different or pulling back because I'm anticipating the end.  
I'm not saying anything though.  I don't want to make a problem if there isn't one and I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend.  
I think the busy "soccer mom" with three kids was more than he bargained for.  It sounded good that our kids were closer in age.  But his are closer to college and we still have another 10 years before we get there.  He is ready to settle down and start preparing for retirement.  I'm not there yet.  I've got a lot of life left to live.
I wonder if trying to get fit has caused this shift.  I love the way he looks and I know he is ok with my current shape.  But I'm doing this so I can still be active 20-30 years from now.  I don't know if he gets that.  
So I'm still waiting.  I won't be posting these until after it happens, so if you are seeing this, the time came and went.
 

How to Prepare for a Broken Heart

We often try to prepare ourselves for major events in our lives - graduations, weddings, parenthood, etc.  We might condition parts of our bodies such as our brains for learning, our lungs for running a race, our muscles to carry heavy loads.  But how does one condition a heart to be broken?  

The first thing one must understand is that there are two parts to a broken heart - the physical organ and the shattering of the soul.  The organ itself is an amazing object.  It draws blood into itself and pumps it back out to every vein in your body.  It supplies blood with oxygen and helps to clean out the bad stuff.  Without it we would die.  Doctors have discovered many ways of repairing this ball of tissue and vessels to keep us alive.

Then there's the soul part of it.  The mystical thing we tie to this life-giving muscle.  The part that separates us from other animals.  The part that makes us who we are.  The part that actually breaks.  The part that doctors can't fix.  Only God can repair this half of the puzzle.  

We can condition the physical part of the heart by working out.  We can prepare ourselves for battle.  But the only thing we can do for the soul side is build lots and lots of imaginary walls around it.  Walls that keep us from getting hurt (or so we tell ourselves).  Walls that keep us from giving all that we are so we don't get hurt (and in the end makes us the cause of our own pain).  There's no way to exercise it.  No matter how many times we are let down or have our "hearts broken".  

What can you do when you really know you are in for a killer of a broken heart?  Our first instinct is to withdraw into ourselves.  Hide in our shell and wait for the blast to come.  The problem with this tactic is that it shields us from seeing what good might be around us.  It's not a one-way mirror.  

How about pushing the issue and bringing it to a head so you can deal with it on your own terms?  Perhaps a better idea, but only if you are absolutely sure of all of the variables.  Did you read all of the signs correctly or are you filling in the blanks from your own fear.  If you get this wrong, you have just ended a perfectly good relationship.

Or do you just wait?  Wait for the inevitable.  Not knowing the time or place, but knowing all of the signs are pointing to that one moment - the moment you know that again you are simply not the right person.  All of the time and effort you invested in this relationship is wasted.  All of your hopes and dreams thrown away.  All of your self-confidence shredded.  Because you're not good enough - again.  No amount of woman's lib can fix this one.  It will be a long time before you can trust the person you are is good enough.  

 For me - I'm in between waiting and pushing it forward.  I'll know the answer soon enough either way.  The ending - no matter what the subject - will always be bittersweet.

That moment when...

(I wrote this March of 2012.  I knew then even though I was afraid to say it)

Don't you hate that moment.  The moment when you know.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt.  That it's over.  Before they even realize it themselves.

It's like you're on the outside looking in.  Reading a novel.  Knowing what is just around the corner but the characters can't see it.  Scanning ahead quickly so you can get past the inevitable.

I saw it in your eyes that night after Cub Scouts.  It was a tough night.  But I walked out of the meeting and just knew.  I felt every bit of the frustration you tried to mask.  I mean, taking on three kids and an overworked soccer mom is a lot to ask for.  I knew at that point it was just too much.

But you stayed.  At least together.  You left for the night and I broke down in tears.  Because I knew.  I knew at that moment the tide had shifted.  You just didn't realize it yet.

Because I love my children more than life itself.  And I can't fix them.  They are who they are and what they are regardless of my interference.  And I am who I am in spite of trying to re-invent myself.

And I heard it in your voice today.  Well, not today because I won't be posting this blog just yet.  Today being March 5th.  Just barely less than a year from when we met.  But soon it will be yesterday.  I'll wait until you figure it out.  Until then I'll wait.

Because I know my heart will shatter again when you do.  And you will hesitate to tell me because I know you still care.  It's just too much.  You will tear yourself up inside trying to figure out the right time to tell me.  How to tell me without admitting the real reason why.

So for now I will be still.  On edge knowing that the time is coming.  Never knowing when the words will come spilling out.  Writing this now because I can hold back the tears (barely).  I won't be able to then.