Stopping To Smell The Roses

"Take time to smell the roses
 Before it is too late.
 Today is full of promise
 Tomorrow will not wait"
 ~Marilyn Ferguson


I'm driving home from my brother's house yesterday.  We're at an intersection and we see a parade that was just starting.  So we stopped.   It turned out to be a great day.  Got to go on a trolley ride (the kids loved it) and heard a great Dixieland jazz band.  Learned a bunch about downtown Willoughby I never knew.  Saw some incredible old homes.   I could have just kept driving.  Probably would have in my old life because there's always something more important to do.




Not this time.  It's not just about me any more.  I see that every step I take is affecting the kids.  In a good way.  They seem happier and more relaxed.  So do I.  Of course we've kind of been on vacation for the last month (except for all the packing, moving, and unpacking).  Still sort of feels like we're living in a hotel minus the cleaning lady and room service.  But we've had some pretty great experiences so far.  There's a lot more to do here.  And there's family and a lot of "friends that were waiting for us to come back."  I've been informed that I can't call them old friends, so I guess that's what I'll refer to them until I get a better name.  So what if we got to the shoe store 15 minutes before closing and had to cram in all school supply shopping today?  The notebooks and markers weren't going anywhere.

But time is.  It flies by so fast. Every day I let pass by me is an opportunity lost.  I'll never get that time back again.  And I've already let so much pass me by.  It might seem that I am trying to cram way too much into an already hectic schedule.  Not really.  I mean, what else are we going to do - sit around the house and watch TV?  Probably.  Instead, I want to fill it with moments.  Memories that will last a lifetime.  Experiences that add to our character.

So we stopped to smell the roses.  And taste the peanuts.  And listen to the band.  It was awesome!

One Week Down

"Life isn't a matter of milestones but of moments." ~Rose F. Kennedy

One week down.  Well, give or take a few days.  Life's been a little busy, so my post is a little late.  For those of you who know me, that's not much of a surprise.  I'm usually late.  For just about everything.  I could make excuses for it, but I won't.  I chalk it up to heredity.

One full week into my new life.  Actually almost two, but one week with the kids and all my junk moved into our new apartment.  I don't count the three days of hell trying to get back from Tennessee.  Well, what have I accomplished in my first week?

• We're moved in.  Me and 3 highly active children.  Big accomplishment!
• Electric, gas, high-speed internet (whoohoo!), phone (another woot for that; no more bad connections on my cell) and tv turned on.  
• Daily trips to Walmart for all those little things (and some big ones) that I seem to forget on my shopping list.  
• Two bunkbeds bought and set up.  
• Attended a back-to-school picnic and new student orientation at the kids' new school.  
• New friends made for both the kids and myself. 
• Attended the Phantom of the Opera for the first time.
• Met up with old friends three times.
• One Lake County Captains game (we won!) and a Cleveland Browns game (we lost that one).
• Two sleepovers for the kids and a trip to the park with the cousins.
• Registered the kids for school (finally).

Oh, and I got a job.  Ended up accepting the one I wasn't sure about.  They loved me so much, they want to give me a better position with more money.  Hmmm.  How often does that happen?  

Next week starts the hectic, back-to-reality lifestyle of Supermom.  New school, new teachers and all the activities that come with the school year.  The week after that I get back into life as a working mom instead of an unemployed bum.  I think I deserved my 5 weeks off though.  I've been working full-time since I was 16.

My deadline was August 24th.  Well, more of a milestone than a deadline.  That's the day that the kids start school.  In exactly five months I went from a married, barely existing shadow of a person in Tennessee to a single, taking everything she can out of life woman in Cleveland.  All but one of my goals on my checklist crossed off.  Can't tell you what that is because it's tied to my shooting star wish.  But that's OK.  I need to have something to look forward to.

So, a lot happened in one week.  Almost all for the good.  Don't know where I'm going from here.  But I know no matter what, it's going to be an adventure.  Here's to the moments...

Letting Go

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ E.M. Forster

The unknown is such a scary place.  It is so frightening sometimes that we stay frozen where we are even if it makes us miserable.  We keep a job that we hate.  Stay in a bad relationship.  Never take that lesson we wanted to because someone called it silly.  Because we are comfortable and as a people we gravitate towards that. 

And since the known is so comfortable, we build our plans around it.  We set long term goals.  You can't really call them dreams if you aren't reaching beyond the bounderies.  They are just whispers of what might have been.  Our potential is quelched by our unwillingness to forge ahead.

Some of us hold so tightly to these plans that it is impossible to see beyond them.  They are our security blanket.   They make us feel so safe that we don't even see the possibilities right in front of us.  We preach about how our lives are so good and even defend them when someone suggests something to the contrary.  We do this so often that we convince ourselves that it is true.

Alas, even I with all the big talk of spreading my wings and leaping have built my hopes on certain plans.  Knowing full well I can't plan for these hopes and dreams.  I have to just let them happen.  It is just so hard to let go.  But I know until I do, the life I deserve will never come to pass.

So I will fight it a little longer.  I guess I'm too much of a control freak not to.  But soon, perhaps sooner than I thought, I am going to have to let go in order for my future to happen...

Calm (for now)

"We rest here while we can, 
but we hear the ocean calling in our dreams
And we know by the morning, 
the wind will fill our sails to test the seams
The calm is on the water 
and part of us would linger by the shore
For ships are safe in harbor, 
but that's not what ships are for."
~Michael Lille

Since I've been here, I have this amazing sense of calm that's come over me.  Calm with a touch of patience.  And I am soooo not a patient person.  But life is good right now.  Yeah, there is so much unknown right now.  But the pieces are falling into place.  Slowly.  And that is fine with me.  I'm not in a hurry.  For anything.  Life has been so crazy for so long that I'm OK with slow.

But I know that this calm will not last forever.  I've been lingering on the shore for a little while now.  I don't know how long I'll be able to stay at the dock.  The wind is gently tugging at my sails, letting me know that it's there waiting for me.  I was never made for calm.  There's too much fiery Irish temper for me to be still for long.  When the wind hits it will be fierce.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

So if you happen to see me calm and collected, know that the storm is waiting just around the bend.  I will be testing the seams of my sails very soon and trying to find out just what the boundaries of my new life are going to be.  Until then I will revel in the calm, existing at the very edge of the shore but ready to sail this ship further into the unknown.

Bumps in the road...

"The bumps in the road just make the ride more fun." ~Jorj Wagner
"Setbacks are just bumps in the road, they are not the end of the road."
~Bob Greene

Well, some of you know how last week went.  The trip to Cleveland was virtually perfect.  My family (the part that showed up) were incredible!  They helped unload the entire truck in an hour and a half.  And it was hot!  My four-hour interview Monday went great (don't know anything yet).  Flight home safe and uneventful.  But my last 2 days in Tennessee were hell.  Apparently you can't rent a U-haul trailer with an Explorer.  Yeah, only Explorers.  No other Fords.  So my friend tried to help me get it with hers but no electrical hook-ups.  Same thing with everyone else we tried.  Either no hitch or no electrical.  

So I ended up taking my ex's flatbed trailer.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.  Loaded everything I could on it, tied it down and finally hit the road almost a day later than planned.  Well, this worked until we hit Elizabethtown, Kentucky.  Then I felt a little bump and a bit of shaking for a minute.  Thought I had lost a box.  Stopped at the next rest area and low and behold, I was missing a tire.  Completely.  The boxes didn't budge though.  The kids started panicking, but I told them we were on a great adventure.  Got some activity books and candy, watched cars and trucks pass, and then the repair guy fix the tires.  Two hours and $275 later, I had two new tires and was back on the road.  I was going to tip the guy for helping me that late at night but changed my mind when he charged me $75 for towing and never actually towed me. 

Well, I finally made it here about nine in the morning on Friday.  Unloaded the trailer and truck with minimal help from my kids.  I am really hating the stairs now.  But it's done.  We are here, boxes and all.  Mostly unopened, but here just the same.  Mom watched the kids Friday night while I took my drug test for the job I don't quite have yet.  I actually got to sleep in Saturday.  Was up from 5 a.m. Thursday until about 10:30 Friday night.   I'm still down about 4 hours of sleep, but I'll catch up sometime this week.  

So,  God really wanted to delay me for some reason.  Still don't know what it was.  But I am here.  For good.  And I may never move again.  From the Cleveland area, my apartment, and just maybe this spot.  :)

Friends

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." - G. Randolf

As you know, I am leaving home to go home.  A bit confusing you say.  Well, I'm leaving my home of the last seventeen years to go back home.  When I do this, I am leaving some truly incredible friends behind.  Some of them have been there through the beginning and now the end of my marriage, my boys from another mother growing up, the birth of my three rug rats, and now my eventual move back to Cleveland.  Some of them are newer acquisitions.  But all of them completely loyal and wonderful.

I've also been lucky to become reacquainted with some friends from my past.  I've just had an incredible outpouring of love and support.  I can't tell you what it means to me.  

I want to say "thank you" to those of you who have been there for me.  The ones who will drop what they are doing to listen to me ramble on about my life, my doubts, and my hopes and dreams.  The ones living these new experiences with me.  The ones who share their lives with me, opening up and trusting me.  I am honored to be that person.  

I would especially like to thank three very special people.  This is in no way to meant to leave anyone out.  But these three have been closest to my heart and I believe I have been the same for them. I love you with all of my heart and I always will!

I was told recently that I didn't realize who my friends were.  I told them that Michelle and Kristina would give me the shirts off their back.  And Kimmie would kill for me.  He didn't know me and Kimmie were so close.  We are.  But besides our friendship, Kimmie would really kill for me.  Just for the fun of it.  That's my Kim.  She probably really wouldn't kill.  Maybe.  I wouldn't test her on this though.   She's my party girl.  She brings out that part of me I keep really hidden.  I've never really been a wild child.  But she helps me be comfortable with my adventurous side and I love her for it.  She is, as they all are, fiercely loyal.  

Kristina is a bit more reserved.  She's my beautiful hapa-houle.  My buddy from Hawaii.  She doesn't exactly fit in here any more than this Damn Yankee does.  Although she's younger, she has taught me so much.  How to be patient.  How to stay friends with your ex and always do the best for your kids no matter what.   And she's truly believed in me.  Supported me up in decisions even though it goes against everything she wants.  Been there through the extreme happiness and gut-wrenching tears.  And holds my head and gently consoles me telling me everything will work out but knowing full well I will continue to make the same mistakes again because I just can't help myself. If I could pack her and her wonderful boys in my suitcase and take them with me, I would. 

And then there's Michelle.  No paragraph could ever sum up what a friend she's been to me.  She's been closer than a sister.  More than a best friend.  She has been my family down here.  We've lived a lifetime together.  Without her I seriously doubt I would have my girls. I would definitely not have as much sanity as I have left.  She's opened my world to so many new experiences.  She challenges me to be a better supermom and has truly shown me what being a friend means.  This amazing woman shows up at my house at midnight the night before my girls' Christening because my sewing machine stopped working.  Brought her own machine and stayed there until the dresses were finished.  I don't even remember what time that ended up being.  She's always looking out for me.  She has twins a few years older and we've been able to learn from them as they grow up together.  She has given more than I could ever repay and would never expect it.  So I try to take what she has taught me and pay it forward.  

I know that I have some amazing friends both old and new waiting for me in Ohio.  But I am leaving behind a huge part of me here with these girls.  I would never be able to leave if I didn't already know we will always be friends and will keep it touch forever.

So here's to friends both old and new.  To lasting memories and new experiences.  Thank you all for taking this tarnished, not-so-perfect girl on as a friend.

Defying Gravity

"So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am defying gravity" 
~Elphaba in Wicked
 
Well, here I am on my last day of my previous life.  I now have less than a day left in Tennessee.  I thought it would be more bittersweet.  Don't get me wrong - I am soooo going to miss my friends.  But I guess it's the excitement of my new life that's calling to me that overshadows the rest.  No, excitement isn't the right word.  It's more of a knowing calm.  The feeling that I am in the exact place that I'm supposed to be at the right moment.  Which is really funny since I really have no idea what I'm going to do yet.
Going off to a new life with no actual direction seems kind of crazy, huh?  In this job market, it might be.  I am confident in my abilities and I know I will get a job.  Getting the right one might take a little more work.  
But there is something else waiting there for me.  I can feel it.  For the first time in 20 years, I was completely comfortable going home.  It just feels so right.  I guess everything has it's own timing.  And this is mine.  It probably wouldn't have worked 5 or 10 years ago.  Driving into town, standing there in the city so different from the country I've called home for so long, I felt good.  Calm.  Peaceful.  Strange that the city could be peaceful.  But there's something else.  It's there and I can almost put my hand on it.  Almost, but not quite.  It's playing hide-and-seek with me.  That's ok.  I'm patient and up to the challenge.  No, I'm not normally patient, but in this I am because I know it is so going to be worth it.  
I've let go of the control I feel I need to have over everything.  I no longer know what tomorrow is going to bring.  Or even where I'll be in 6 months.  I guess I have been so unhappy for so long, anything is going to be better.  I am no longer letting someone else have power over my happiness.  I understand now that I don't need security to be able to make it.  God will provide.  And I am tired of just surviving.  I want more.  Crave it.  I'm done getting up every morning and letting life pass me by.  I have let that happen for way too long and now that I'm awake I realize that all these years have passed me by.  I can't get them back but I won't let it happen again.  Somehow, no matter what, it will be different now.  
So, if you care to find me, you'll have to look to the Northern sky.   I'm closing my eyes and leaping.  And maybe, just maybe, I might be flying...