Closure

"Coherence and closure are deep human desires that are presently unfashionable.  But they are always both frightening and enchantingly desirable.  Falling in love, characteristically, combs the appearances of the world, and of the particular lover's history, out of a random tangle and into a coherent plot." ~A.S Byatt

Closing a task is not something I was born with.  Actually, you could say that I have anti-closure.  I am great out of the gates but I have a very difficult time completing anything. I'm serious - I really have a problem with it!

This is why I sucked at selling cars.  The month after I left, six people bought cars from the new salesman.  I was great at pitching but couldn't round home plate.  I'm the same with home projects.  I have so many crafts that I have started and sit in boxes unfinished.

My life has kinda been the same way.  I always seem to sabotage myself so I can't do well no matter what.  Dr. Lehman says that it's the 'defeated perfectionist' in me.  I set myself up for failure.  I take on so many things that there is no possibility to ever succeed, proving to myself that I can't do it all.

Don't get me wrong - I'm capable.  I have been given gifts that allow me to do almost anything.  If I don't know how I'm a quick learner.  But it's like I slow way down as I see that finish line.

Well, God has other plans for me apparently.  Take being a homeowner.  My goal for the past two years has been to use my 401k money to pay cash for a home.  House after house fell through.  My money dwindled.  The outlook was not good.  Not good at all.  Then came this house in another city.  There's a hundred reasons to buy it and half as many not to.  It was a great deal.  Not too much money to fix up - just a lot of time and elbow grease.

But it was taking a long time to come to a decision.  Some delays on the owner's end, more on mine.  I hemmed and hawed at making a final decision.  I prayed.  I finally gave it up to Him and asked Him to run with it.


So, despite my best efforts to undermine myself, as of last week,  I am officially a homeowner.  Lock, stock and barrel.  Paid for completely.  Mine and my three beautiful children.  As usual, it's not where I would have picked and we'll still live in an apartment for a while longer, but I own a home.  He is stronger than I am and has plans for me despite my best (or worst efforts).  Thank you God for taking care of me and loving me no matter what.  And thanks to all of you for your support through my journey.  I can't wait to drag me feet for what is around the next corner...