I am a doormat

"There is a delicate balance of putting yourself last and not being a doormat and thinking of yourself first and not coming off as selfish, arrogant or bossy. We spend the majority of our lives attempting to perfect this balance."
— Cindy L. Teachey

Today I have to call a vendor (again) and tell them that their machine is crap and to take it back.  I know that's not going to happen because we already paid for the machine.  But it's the principal of the matter.  We got this machine in, it doesn't do what it's supposed to do consistently and they need to take care of it.  Unfortunately I have to prove the machine is broken in order to get someone to make a service call.

And that's where the problem begins.  I have to argue our position.  I am not a born debater.  I'll fight to the death if I think I'm right, but finding the words sometimes becomes a problem.  At least until I get so pissed that I can see red.  Then I go into full battle mode.  Otherwise I shrink back and settle.

I don't know when I became a doormat.  Was I born this way or have people beat me down enough in life that took me to this place?  The verbal and emotional abuse I endured had to contribute to this condition.  But I had to be vulnerable to even start accepting that treatment.  And I fall so easily back into that groove.  And then I get frustrated at myself for letting it happen.

I'm lucky to be in a relationship now with someone who would never treat me as less than an equal.  But he's only one person.  The world can be a tough place if you can't stand up for yourself.  Especially in a man's world like manufacturing.  There are some great people out there, but right behind them is another that would steal candy from a baby. 

So, today I am pissed.   At the people in my past that have made me more of a doormat than I should be.  At the vendor causing me to work through lunch again.  Mainly for allowing myself to struggle so much with something that should be cut and dry.