"The biggest mistake you can make in your life is to be continually fearing you will make one."~Elbert Hubbard
Well, this quote pretty much fits how I've been acting lately. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I've been holding back in every aspect of my life. Meek is a really good word to describe it. It's been driving me nuts (not a far drive I know). I've either been afraid I could succeed or was afraid I could. I was so scared of messing things up that I couldn't move forward.
I put a stop (for the most part) to this last Wednesday. I had gotten myself in a pretty good mess at work because I wasn't being forceful enough with certain people and I was missing deadlines because of it. Someone even had the nerve to call me the "good cop." That's when I knew I had let it go to far.
I mean me - the good cop? For those who have had the fortune (or misfortune) to work with me have at some point had a glimpse at my fiery Irish temper. I don't sit back and accept being blown off when someone is supposed to be doing something for me. Yet that's exactly what I have been doing. So I buckled down this week and figured if I was going to get fired, it would be because I did what I thought was right and took no prisoners and not because I laid down and got run over. And it worked. Fabulously. I even got a "perfect" from my customer. Whoohoo!
As I said, I am letting this happen in all areas of my life. Not just work. I seem to have lost my voice (perhaps a blessing in disguise to others). I don't know if I've lost my confidence because so many things were going wrong at once. I wish I knew what the trigger was. I think it was more of a compilation of little things. Well, I'm going to start changing this too. Hey - I even signed up for a Karate class. And they are giving me weapons (bwahahaha)!
So, I'm done with being afraid. At least with letting fear rule my decisions. I am going to attempt to go back to taking control of my life -- at least the parts I can control. I have a week or so before the New Year to regroup and prepare for the battles that lie ahead. Maybe those weapons might help... :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Awe
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." ~Albert Einstein
It never ceases to amaze me the differences in my view of the world and my children's view. We, as adults, are inconvenienced by the traffic, snow-piled roads, and the half-an-hour extra each day it takes to bundle up our kids. My little ones, however, see the world through different eyes. They trudge through the snow drifts, filling their boots with snow and soaking their socks. They grab at the littlest patch of snow and aim for the nearest hint of bare skin. And they especially walk to the truck with their mouths open, trying to catch the first snowflakes of the season.
It would be nice to stop and take a fresh look at our surroundings more often. What little details are we missing because we are so worried about getting to our next destination? What gifts from God do we overlook because we are too busy? I'm pretty sure that He has more in mind for me than just being a taxi driver.
So, as usual, I will take a cue from my kids. I am going to slow down just a bit, set my phone down, and take a new look around me. Perhaps there are some newly formed snowflakes waiting...
It never ceases to amaze me the differences in my view of the world and my children's view. We, as adults, are inconvenienced by the traffic, snow-piled roads, and the half-an-hour extra each day it takes to bundle up our kids. My little ones, however, see the world through different eyes. They trudge through the snow drifts, filling their boots with snow and soaking their socks. They grab at the littlest patch of snow and aim for the nearest hint of bare skin. And they especially walk to the truck with their mouths open, trying to catch the first snowflakes of the season.
It would be nice to stop and take a fresh look at our surroundings more often. What little details are we missing because we are so worried about getting to our next destination? What gifts from God do we overlook because we are too busy? I'm pretty sure that He has more in mind for me than just being a taxi driver.
So, as usual, I will take a cue from my kids. I am going to slow down just a bit, set my phone down, and take a new look around me. Perhaps there are some newly formed snowflakes waiting...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Impulse
"Reason only controls individuals after emotions and impulse have lost their impetus." ~Carlton Simon
Well, life is rarely boring for me as you must have figured out by now. There is never a dull moment. Quite the opposite most days. And the days fly by so quickly as we get closer to Christmas. This just tends to make my life more hectic and my sleep schedule shorter and shorter.
On top of the normal chaos (that's an oxymoron - right?), every couple of days Jacob decides to "fall out." At least that's what we call it around here. The rest of us are going along our merry ways when something doesn't sit right with Jacob. At this point, he begins to hold the rest of the family hostage. I don't give into his tantrums, which only tends to prolong the suffering. This pulls my attention away from the girls and gets unfairly proportioned to a screaming young child.
Homework is another area of torture. For both of us. Just picture Supernanny and her worse case scenario. It takes about an hour to get through a two-sided paper. He's a smart kid. He just can't seem to focus or have the desire to. Most of the time we don't even finish until the weekend and turn them in late.
I finally broke down and took him to the doctor's about this. It's not for me. I can deal with it. But this behavior is severely affecting his classwork and doesn't seem to have any hope for improvement. I found a great doctor through a friend's recommendation. Any other time I pray that Jacob sits still and behaves. Not this one. During the forty-five minute appointment, Jacob only sat still for about ten seconds. Even if I didn't open my mouth, it would have been completely obvious that there was a problem here.
He has ADHD. Not much of a shock to anyone who has ever met him. I was hoping he would grow out of whatever it was. But now I know for sure. The treatment will consist of behavior modification, parent training, and medications. The goal is not for his personality to change but to improve impulse control. I am supposed to see a different kid in about six weeks. It helps me and his sisters to know exactly what we are dealing with. They've put up with it every bit as much as I have. Probably more because he tends to be the center of attention.
So, there it is. I'm not a bad parent. It isn't because I didn't raise him right or give him enough discipline when he was younger. There is a medically documented reason for his behavior. We'll need prayers to get through this. Thank you to everyone who has helped so far and in advance to those who will continue to struggle with us.
On top of the normal chaos (that's an oxymoron - right?), every couple of days Jacob decides to "fall out." At least that's what we call it around here. The rest of us are going along our merry ways when something doesn't sit right with Jacob. At this point, he begins to hold the rest of the family hostage. I don't give into his tantrums, which only tends to prolong the suffering. This pulls my attention away from the girls and gets unfairly proportioned to a screaming young child.
Homework is another area of torture. For both of us. Just picture Supernanny and her worse case scenario. It takes about an hour to get through a two-sided paper. He's a smart kid. He just can't seem to focus or have the desire to. Most of the time we don't even finish until the weekend and turn them in late.
I finally broke down and took him to the doctor's about this. It's not for me. I can deal with it. But this behavior is severely affecting his classwork and doesn't seem to have any hope for improvement. I found a great doctor through a friend's recommendation. Any other time I pray that Jacob sits still and behaves. Not this one. During the forty-five minute appointment, Jacob only sat still for about ten seconds. Even if I didn't open my mouth, it would have been completely obvious that there was a problem here.
He has ADHD. Not much of a shock to anyone who has ever met him. I was hoping he would grow out of whatever it was. But now I know for sure. The treatment will consist of behavior modification, parent training, and medications. The goal is not for his personality to change but to improve impulse control. I am supposed to see a different kid in about six weeks. It helps me and his sisters to know exactly what we are dealing with. They've put up with it every bit as much as I have. Probably more because he tends to be the center of attention.
So, there it is. I'm not a bad parent. It isn't because I didn't raise him right or give him enough discipline when he was younger. There is a medically documented reason for his behavior. We'll need prayers to get through this. Thank you to everyone who has helped so far and in advance to those who will continue to struggle with us.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Frustration
"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you have tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." ~Pope John XXIII
This sucks! I'm in a funk and I don't know quite why. Well - to tell you the truth I know a few of the contributors, but I shouldn't let any of them bring me down like this. It's not like me to get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I know what wonderful gifts I have in my life and I don't for a minute take them for granted. So why do I feel so bad?
I haven't posted for a while because nothing much has been happening. Work, Karate, Cub Scouts, church, homework (ugh!). My kids were gone for a week over the holidays. Didn't like that one bit. Despite the public opinion that I "dumped" my kids off with my ex so I could "party", I ended up in bed most nights by 8 p.m. with an ear infection. By myself! Good times! Even if I wanted to do said partying, I wouldn't have made it out long. I did get some shopping in on Black Friday though. Is it so wrong that I bought myself some awesome clothes and didn't get one Christmas present? Also stopped at IKEA on the way home from Cincy. Now that should have put me in a good mood, right?
So, this is me in a funk. No funny sayings, no pigeons descending from the sky, no incredibly awkward dates. Just eh. I really need some excitement in my life. I know - I asked for it. Maybe not excitement but just something very interesting. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...
This sucks! I'm in a funk and I don't know quite why. Well - to tell you the truth I know a few of the contributors, but I shouldn't let any of them bring me down like this. It's not like me to get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I know what wonderful gifts I have in my life and I don't for a minute take them for granted. So why do I feel so bad?
I haven't posted for a while because nothing much has been happening. Work, Karate, Cub Scouts, church, homework (ugh!). My kids were gone for a week over the holidays. Didn't like that one bit. Despite the public opinion that I "dumped" my kids off with my ex so I could "party", I ended up in bed most nights by 8 p.m. with an ear infection. By myself! Good times! Even if I wanted to do said partying, I wouldn't have made it out long. I did get some shopping in on Black Friday though. Is it so wrong that I bought myself some awesome clothes and didn't get one Christmas present? Also stopped at IKEA on the way home from Cincy. Now that should have put me in a good mood, right?
So, this is me in a funk. No funny sayings, no pigeons descending from the sky, no incredibly awkward dates. Just eh. I really need some excitement in my life. I know - I asked for it. Maybe not excitement but just something very interesting. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Only Going Uphill From Here...
"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." ~ Nelson Mandela
Today I turn 40. Seriously. Where the heck did 40 come from? What happened to all of those other birthdays? The last 20 or so are just a blur. So many candles blown out and wishes unanswered.
Brianna said to me Saturday "Mom, you know that hill you're going over on Monday...?" Too cute. Like there is an actual hill that I'm going over. Maybe there is. Perhaps I am passing a milestone in my life. But you know me too well to think I'm going down from this point on. Really? I'm just getting started...
Just what is 40? I remember as a kid thinking 30 was old. Really old. That would make 40 close to retirement age, right? I think I can speak for all of us that have made it this far that 40 just doesn't seem that old anymore. Maybe it's society's view on it. We're no longer represented by June Cleaver. We now have Carrie Bradshaw and friends. Gwen Stefani. Catherine Zeta Jones. Seems to me that 40 is the new 30.
40 is just another number. It's not an accomplishment. It's not a goal that I've worked hard to reach. So many people keep saying "It's all downhill from here now that you're 40." Oh, hell no! It doesn't define who I am, what I've done, or what I still have left to do. I haven't woken up from my deep sleep just to start rolling down a proverbial hill. If I have, it better be on a roller coaster. And a fast one at that!
So where does that leave me? Pretty much where I was yesterday. Not quite where I'll be tomorrow. Because I'll be climbing even higher on this hill I'm supposedly on. Looking around every turn for new adventures. Taking every possible memory out of every moment I'm given. Not waiting for life to give me what it has to offer but actively seeking out those opportunities. I'm more than just a number. I refuse to let it define me. I will be doing the defining, so 40 had better watch out... :)
Today I turn 40. Seriously. Where the heck did 40 come from? What happened to all of those other birthdays? The last 20 or so are just a blur. So many candles blown out and wishes unanswered.
Brianna said to me Saturday "Mom, you know that hill you're going over on Monday...?" Too cute. Like there is an actual hill that I'm going over. Maybe there is. Perhaps I am passing a milestone in my life. But you know me too well to think I'm going down from this point on. Really? I'm just getting started...
Just what is 40? I remember as a kid thinking 30 was old. Really old. That would make 40 close to retirement age, right? I think I can speak for all of us that have made it this far that 40 just doesn't seem that old anymore. Maybe it's society's view on it. We're no longer represented by June Cleaver. We now have Carrie Bradshaw and friends. Gwen Stefani. Catherine Zeta Jones. Seems to me that 40 is the new 30.
40 is just another number. It's not an accomplishment. It's not a goal that I've worked hard to reach. So many people keep saying "It's all downhill from here now that you're 40." Oh, hell no! It doesn't define who I am, what I've done, or what I still have left to do. I haven't woken up from my deep sleep just to start rolling down a proverbial hill. If I have, it better be on a roller coaster. And a fast one at that!
So where does that leave me? Pretty much where I was yesterday. Not quite where I'll be tomorrow. Because I'll be climbing even higher on this hill I'm supposedly on. Looking around every turn for new adventures. Taking every possible memory out of every moment I'm given. Not waiting for life to give me what it has to offer but actively seeking out those opportunities. I'm more than just a number. I refuse to let it define me. I will be doing the defining, so 40 had better watch out... :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Moments
"The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us." ~Ashley Montaqu
I was going to blog at lunch, but couldn't think of a thing to write about. Not that life hasn't been interesting lately. I just didn't have anything happen that really stood out. Until tonight.
I'm going to an awesome parenting class (the one I talked about during the pigeon incident). We didn't meet tonight because it was Honor Your Father night. Instead I had a great chat with Pastor Rob. Well, it was more that I chatted and he listened (you know me better than that). Of course, talking is good therapy. That's why psychiatrists get paid so much to just sit there and let us figure out the answers on our own. I realized a few things about myself, but I'll save those for the next blog (yes, I'm a tease...).
I also got to catch up on the video I missed last week when I was in Montreal (pictures coming soon - I promise!). The topic was building self-esteem in your children. Well, after church we had a little homework to finish. Kiara struggles because she doesn't try. She is sooo smart and just doesn't apply herself. I explained to her how her teacher said she was gifted and how special that is. Told her just how smart she is and the capability she was given by God. Explained that we don't want to waste the gifts we are given. She had an "ah-ha" moment with her math and went to bed with a smile.
Next was Brianna. This one stresses over school. Ulcer level stressing. She missed straight A's by one point this nine weeks with a teacher that doesn't believe in giving straight A's. Yet she's always worrying. I asked her what will happen if she gets a bad grade. She told me that everyone thinks of her as a straight-A student. I asked her how else she would describe herself and told her what I thought of her. I let her know that the grades were just a small part of who she was and that we love her no matter what. Made her say "I am more than three lines on a piece of paper." Then we prayed together for God to take away the stress and worry. Really take it and explained that she wasn't even allowed to hold onto a piece of it. Through happy tears I got a huge smile and several hugs.
So, two simply incredible moments. Ones that I'm sure all three of us will look back on for years and remember. Perhaps it was even a turning point in their lives. It's amazing how God just puts people and events in our paths just when we need them the most. Not only did they learn something, so did I. I learned that I might just be pretty good at this mom thing after all. :)
I was going to blog at lunch, but couldn't think of a thing to write about. Not that life hasn't been interesting lately. I just didn't have anything happen that really stood out. Until tonight.
I'm going to an awesome parenting class (the one I talked about during the pigeon incident). We didn't meet tonight because it was Honor Your Father night. Instead I had a great chat with Pastor Rob. Well, it was more that I chatted and he listened (you know me better than that). Of course, talking is good therapy. That's why psychiatrists get paid so much to just sit there and let us figure out the answers on our own. I realized a few things about myself, but I'll save those for the next blog (yes, I'm a tease...).
I also got to catch up on the video I missed last week when I was in Montreal (pictures coming soon - I promise!). The topic was building self-esteem in your children. Well, after church we had a little homework to finish. Kiara struggles because she doesn't try. She is sooo smart and just doesn't apply herself. I explained to her how her teacher said she was gifted and how special that is. Told her just how smart she is and the capability she was given by God. Explained that we don't want to waste the gifts we are given. She had an "ah-ha" moment with her math and went to bed with a smile.
Next was Brianna. This one stresses over school. Ulcer level stressing. She missed straight A's by one point this nine weeks with a teacher that doesn't believe in giving straight A's. Yet she's always worrying. I asked her what will happen if she gets a bad grade. She told me that everyone thinks of her as a straight-A student. I asked her how else she would describe herself and told her what I thought of her. I let her know that the grades were just a small part of who she was and that we love her no matter what. Made her say "I am more than three lines on a piece of paper." Then we prayed together for God to take away the stress and worry. Really take it and explained that she wasn't even allowed to hold onto a piece of it. Through happy tears I got a huge smile and several hugs.
So, two simply incredible moments. Ones that I'm sure all three of us will look back on for years and remember. Perhaps it was even a turning point in their lives. It's amazing how God just puts people and events in our paths just when we need them the most. Not only did they learn something, so did I. I learned that I might just be pretty good at this mom thing after all. :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
It really was just the battery
"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."
~Denis Waitley
I've kept y'all in suspense long enough. At least the four or five of you who haven't already heard "the rest of the story..." as Pat said LOL!
Date night. First real date in 17 years. Or so I thought...
Chris asks me to pick him up. Sure. I already know where he lives since I'm trying to buy his house. No problem. Running a few minutes late because he asked me to pick up some tomato juice for him to drink while I was getting my wine coolers. I had to go to two stores to even find any. After I pick him up, I have to stop back by my apartment to pick up some paper lanterns I'm bringing to Theresa's house for the bonfire. Kind of a symbolic thing for all of us girls. They're really cool. You light the wick and the fire takes them up just like a hot air balloon. We all have someone we need to let go on this night. I thought we could write who/what that was and let our cares off over the lake. It was supposed to be a night of endings and new beginnings.
We arrive at my apartment. Chris decides he wants to show me videos of his band on YouTube. OK. We're only an hour late to the bonfire at this point, so what the heck. His band is pretty good. Of course all of the videos and songs are a few years old, but good nonetheless. Shows me a few more. And then onto a few other artists he likes. And then another.... Oh, and did I mention his friend and he believe in UFO's? I saw some of those videos too.
Well, an hour and a half later I ask if he wouldn't mind heading over to the bonfire because I'm starting to get hungry. Reluctantly he agrees. Pat and Theresa have already texted me checking on me and telling me to quit having "fun" and come on over already. Ha, ha. If only. Not even a hand hold yet.
We get there, introduce Chris to everyone, and head on into an amazing feast of food (of course it's cold by now). We load up our plates. He decides to drink one of my wine coolers instead of the tomato juice I drove all over town for. Well then. Theresa's next door neighbor keeps us entertained inside. She started waaaay earlier than us on the partying. She's a riot though.
Now we head back outside to the fire. It's just Pat and Theresa by now. I get to where they are sitting and Chris asks me if I would mind taking him home. Really? I just drank two wine coolers and we just got there twenty minutes ago. He really wants to go home now? Wow. The girls just look at me quizzically when I tell them. I'm sure they think something more was going to happen.
But, of course, he really just wanted to go home. Said the wine cooler made him sick. Got out of the truck and went inside. Said "I'll call you." Riiigght... No "thank you". No good nice kiss, hug, handshake, whatever. I'm still saying to myself "Really???" the whole way back to Theresa's. Yeah, I went back. Because no matter what, I am going to have a good time tonight.
The girls are laughing their asses off when I get back. They can't believe what just happened. I can though. This is, of course, my life and pretty much on par for what I would have expected my first date to be. Not that I don't deserve much, much better, but definitely not unexpected.
We let off the lanterns, writing the cares of the world on our balloons. Off over the lake they go. Perhaps they will meet up with Chris's UFO buddies. Or end up on one of his friend's videos. At least that's what we think as we are still laughing quite uncontrollably and a bit of tears over what fate has dealt us over the years.
Finally I head home alone. I'm sure I'm much better off that way tonight. Because, like I said, I do deserve so much better. I mean, I drove, bought the drinks, provided free food, and even shaved my legs! It can only go up from here, right? Chalk it up to a learning experience. Something to look back on and laugh about for the next twenty years or so. Or, maybe I just needed something new to write about on my blog - aren't artists supposed to suffer for their cause?
So, it wasn't a sign from God. There wasn't a great love affair in the plans. I didn't get the house. It wasn't a major engine malfunction. It really was just the battery...
~Denis Waitley
I've kept y'all in suspense long enough. At least the four or five of you who haven't already heard "the rest of the story..." as Pat said LOL!
Date night. First real date in 17 years. Or so I thought...
Chris asks me to pick him up. Sure. I already know where he lives since I'm trying to buy his house. No problem. Running a few minutes late because he asked me to pick up some tomato juice for him to drink while I was getting my wine coolers. I had to go to two stores to even find any. After I pick him up, I have to stop back by my apartment to pick up some paper lanterns I'm bringing to Theresa's house for the bonfire. Kind of a symbolic thing for all of us girls. They're really cool. You light the wick and the fire takes them up just like a hot air balloon. We all have someone we need to let go on this night. I thought we could write who/what that was and let our cares off over the lake. It was supposed to be a night of endings and new beginnings.
We arrive at my apartment. Chris decides he wants to show me videos of his band on YouTube. OK. We're only an hour late to the bonfire at this point, so what the heck. His band is pretty good. Of course all of the videos and songs are a few years old, but good nonetheless. Shows me a few more. And then onto a few other artists he likes. And then another.... Oh, and did I mention his friend and he believe in UFO's? I saw some of those videos too.
Well, an hour and a half later I ask if he wouldn't mind heading over to the bonfire because I'm starting to get hungry. Reluctantly he agrees. Pat and Theresa have already texted me checking on me and telling me to quit having "fun" and come on over already. Ha, ha. If only. Not even a hand hold yet.
We get there, introduce Chris to everyone, and head on into an amazing feast of food (of course it's cold by now). We load up our plates. He decides to drink one of my wine coolers instead of the tomato juice I drove all over town for. Well then. Theresa's next door neighbor keeps us entertained inside. She started waaaay earlier than us on the partying. She's a riot though.
Now we head back outside to the fire. It's just Pat and Theresa by now. I get to where they are sitting and Chris asks me if I would mind taking him home. Really? I just drank two wine coolers and we just got there twenty minutes ago. He really wants to go home now? Wow. The girls just look at me quizzically when I tell them. I'm sure they think something more was going to happen.
But, of course, he really just wanted to go home. Said the wine cooler made him sick. Got out of the truck and went inside. Said "I'll call you." Riiigght... No "thank you". No good nice kiss, hug, handshake, whatever. I'm still saying to myself "Really???" the whole way back to Theresa's. Yeah, I went back. Because no matter what, I am going to have a good time tonight.
The girls are laughing their asses off when I get back. They can't believe what just happened. I can though. This is, of course, my life and pretty much on par for what I would have expected my first date to be. Not that I don't deserve much, much better, but definitely not unexpected.
We let off the lanterns, writing the cares of the world on our balloons. Off over the lake they go. Perhaps they will meet up with Chris's UFO buddies. Or end up on one of his friend's videos. At least that's what we think as we are still laughing quite uncontrollably and a bit of tears over what fate has dealt us over the years.
Finally I head home alone. I'm sure I'm much better off that way tonight. Because, like I said, I do deserve so much better. I mean, I drove, bought the drinks, provided free food, and even shaved my legs! It can only go up from here, right? Chalk it up to a learning experience. Something to look back on and laugh about for the next twenty years or so. Or, maybe I just needed something new to write about on my blog - aren't artists supposed to suffer for their cause?
So, it wasn't a sign from God. There wasn't a great love affair in the plans. I didn't get the house. It wasn't a major engine malfunction. It really was just the battery...
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