Dead Man Walking

"It was simply a slow, dead man walking kind of thing. I had expected turbulence, the worst I experienced was people averting their eyes and the most common reaction was people looking at me, silence." ~Ray McGovern

It's a pretty crappy feeling-the knowing. Before it was just an inkling; a suspicion that things are not quite right. But when you find out for sure it really smacks you in the face.

And that sucks because you tell yourself that you are just over-thinking the situation. Maybe the tell-tale signs that you imagine are from stress or the lack of sleep.

Unfortunately I have been blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the ability to read through the BS and lies. I try for a while to live in denial. Put my rose-colored glasses on and ignore the bad. Forget the negative because I had a few good days.

But the conclusion is looming ever so much closer. I can no longer ignore the writing on the wall. I knew from the beginning of taking this job that it would be an uphill battle. It wasn't that I was starting a new job after 18 years. I walked into a storm. I saw it the first day I started an almost turned around and ran the other way.

And yet I stayed. I was given a challenge from a friend to make the most of what I had. To use my talents to make it a better place. I did my best for the most part. I didn't quite make lemonade, but it was drinkable.

But my best wasn't good enough. I've known it for a while. It's a fight I will never win no matter how hard I try. The system isn't there. There is very little teamwork and loyalty. Whatever glue was holding it together has washed away when we recently lost some amazing players-some by choice and one in such disregard for his hard work and effort that my stomach churns when I think about it. I see the looks as I walk through the plant. I now know a bit of what it feels to walk the green mile. "Dead man walking" rings in my ears as I take each step, just biding my time until the inevitable happens and they turn off the fake smiles and show their true selves.

I know that it's time to grow up and realize that the real world isn't always pretty and most of the time is very harsh. It takes more than a good work ethic and talent. It takes schmoozing and politics and a lot of time being born the right sex. I can't do anything about the last one and I refuse to play the first two. That's not me and so I will continue to fight and uphill battle for the rest of my career. I won't throw someone under the bus and walk right over them in order to get ahead or keep my job.

So, that means I start looking (again). I know there is something better waiting for me around the corner. This is one of those times in my life that God is forcing me to look for the door. He will take care of me and my kids. I am so grateful for the people that still look out for me as I continue my journey. As for the rest, all I can say is karma is a bitch.


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When my best is just not good enough...

"Sometimes doing your best is not good enough.  Sometimes you must do what is required." ~Winston Churchill

This month has been a tough one on me.  There's a lot going on and never enough time to get it done.  As I've mentioned before, I tend to take on too much and expect even more out of myself.  It usually isn't pretty when it's all said and done.

My mom job has been crazy.  The girls are in a musical and the practices pay off in the end.  Add those to the already busy karate, choir, band, Awana, Cub Scout and getting ready for Middle School meetings and it is a recipe for disaster all by itself.  And just as Tech Week begins (4-5 hour practices every day for a week), the soccer coaches call for practices.  Really?  They couldn't wait just one more week?

So, I'm not acing the mom thing this month.  The laundry is multiplying by the minute.  The dishes have been kept from climbing out of the sink.  The fridge and cupboards are looking lonely.  My kids are surviving but I just feel like I could do better.

And then there is work.  This is the busiest I have been in 14 years.  How can I pinpoint it that close?  I mean - I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday (if I had time to eat it - it was probably the crust off of Jacob's PB&J sandwich for lunch).  How can I remember back that far?  Well, 14 years ago - give or take a month - I was 1) launching my first full Honda program, 2) final exams for school since I was working full time and going to school full time and 3) getting married.  I had scheduled myself a half a day off on Friday to give me a few minutes to get the last minute details ready for the wedding.

I planned as well as I could.  Tried not to procrastinate on anything.  I had my nails done the weekend before.  Needless to say, by Thursday I had bitten the nails completely off.  My nerves were shot.  I squeaked by on the launch.  I guess I passed my exams since they gave me my degree and at least showed up at the church before my mom did (inside joke but mom knows what I'm talking about).  Nothing went as well as it should and I'm sure I took a few years off of my life that week.

This entire month seems like that week.  I have three major tools launching at work.  I was told "this is the most important program we have launching in the next five years."  No pressure or anything.  I feel like I have pulled and dragged two of the three tools through the program.  No amount of lists or meetings or planning could make this a smooth transition.  I've prayed.  I've cried (a lot).  I've cursed and begged and worked 18 hour days to no avail.  When Chrysler got here, I felt like we had the Three Stooges running the show.  I take that back - they probably would have done a better job.  At least everyone would have been laughing at the end.

No laughing here.  Just those looks.  You know - the "I'm sorry you failed and didn't do a better job for us" looks.  Like my boyfriend just dumped me or something.  "Poor, pitiful Michele.  It's too bad she didn't do more."

Well, unfortunately I feel like I did the best I could.  This time it just wasn't good enough.  And it's making me feel like I'm not very good at this.  20 years of experience and I couldn't pull it off.  We didn't fail.  But we didn't pass either.  They were disappointed.  My boss was disappointed.  The CEO was disappointed.  And I feel like crap.  And it sucks - big time.  I've gone over and over in my head what else I could have done and I've got nothin'.

So, does that mean I'm not enough?  I don't know the answer to that right now.  No - I'm not downing myself.  I know I'm capable.  But am I as good as I've built myself up to be in my mind?  Am I deceiving myself that I have the skills and gifts to do this?  I know God wouldn't put more on me than I can handle.  For the moment, I just don't know what my next step will be so as usual I will persevere.  Besides, there's laundry waiting...

Closure

"Coherence and closure are deep human desires that are presently unfashionable.  But they are always both frightening and enchantingly desirable.  Falling in love, characteristically, combs the appearances of the world, and of the particular lover's history, out of a random tangle and into a coherent plot." ~A.S Byatt

Closing a task is not something I was born with.  Actually, you could say that I have anti-closure.  I am great out of the gates but I have a very difficult time completing anything. I'm serious - I really have a problem with it!

This is why I sucked at selling cars.  The month after I left, six people bought cars from the new salesman.  I was great at pitching but couldn't round home plate.  I'm the same with home projects.  I have so many crafts that I have started and sit in boxes unfinished.

My life has kinda been the same way.  I always seem to sabotage myself so I can't do well no matter what.  Dr. Lehman says that it's the 'defeated perfectionist' in me.  I set myself up for failure.  I take on so many things that there is no possibility to ever succeed, proving to myself that I can't do it all.

Don't get me wrong - I'm capable.  I have been given gifts that allow me to do almost anything.  If I don't know how I'm a quick learner.  But it's like I slow way down as I see that finish line.

Well, God has other plans for me apparently.  Take being a homeowner.  My goal for the past two years has been to use my 401k money to pay cash for a home.  House after house fell through.  My money dwindled.  The outlook was not good.  Not good at all.  Then came this house in another city.  There's a hundred reasons to buy it and half as many not to.  It was a great deal.  Not too much money to fix up - just a lot of time and elbow grease.

But it was taking a long time to come to a decision.  Some delays on the owner's end, more on mine.  I hemmed and hawed at making a final decision.  I prayed.  I finally gave it up to Him and asked Him to run with it.


So, despite my best efforts to undermine myself, as of last week,  I am officially a homeowner.  Lock, stock and barrel.  Paid for completely.  Mine and my three beautiful children.  As usual, it's not where I would have picked and we'll still live in an apartment for a while longer, but I own a home.  He is stronger than I am and has plans for me despite my best (or worst efforts).  Thank you God for taking care of me and loving me no matter what.  And thanks to all of you for your support through my journey.  I can't wait to drag me feet for what is around the next corner...

The Monster I Hate The Most

"...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too.  They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."~Steven King

Hate is a strong word.  One that we hesitate to use but tend to throw around quite carelessly.  I can't think of one good synonym of the word or the emotion.  When I use it I realize the power that it carries so know that I don't use it lightly.

But I HATE this disease.  This disorder that the medical profession so easily diagnoses and tosses medication like a band-aid over an amputation.  You still bleed out.  You lose something in the process.  Life is never normal whether on the medication or not.  He's too calm when he is on it and off the charts when he isn't.  Too hyper or depressed - we never know from day to day.

I'm talking about ADHD.  No, I don't have it.  As you know, my precious son does.  I can't even imagine how he feels.  I get glimpses sometimes.  He tells me that he is glad I gave him the medicine so he can be good.  Geez - he's seven!  He shouldn't have to worry about trying to be good.  He should only have to be concerned about which Mario game to play.  The pressure he feels on a daily basis must be almost unbearable.

I do, however, know how I feel.  I feel angry.  Really angry.  I'm a mom.  I'm supposed to be able to fix things.  I should be able to kiss his forehead and make this just go away.  I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.  I'm an Engineer - there has to be a solution.  But the only solutions available are temporary and half-effective at best.

I'm sad.  I cry when he tells me he has had a bad day.  When he throws a fit because he just doesn't know what else to do.  I understand.  I want to be on the floor kicking and screaming too.

I'm frustrated.  Why can't the doctor give me the antidote?  Why can we cure cancer but can't conquer this miniscule disease?  What causes it?  Why do so many more children have this now than when I was a kid?

I'm defeated.  I want to be able to just let him go and be himself when he is in "that mood."  But I can't because there are just too many constraints that society puts on behavior.

I feel like a failure.  I never feel like I can be just the right mom he needs.  I don't have time to make him the perfect meals every time which might just help him.  I can't force him to eat when he completely loses his appetite until he is getting ready for bed and then he is starving.  I can't be a force field to shield him from the ones who would judge him too quickly and punish too harshly not realizing he just can't help himself.

And then there's the emotion I can't even put a name to.  I love this little man more than life itself.  I would lay my life down for this child.  But there are the times when I just can't do anything else.  I don't have the energy.  I don't have the heart.  There's just nothing left.  That's when I just hug him and wait for his batteries to wear down and then cry softly to myself.

So, we exist.  We take it one day at a time.  Trying to survive.  Trying to protect his little heart from the people that would rob him of what happiness he can scrounge up.  Making it through one more school day and one more bedtime where we can just collapse exhausted.  Waiting for the day I find Excalibur's Sword so I can vanquish this monster once and for all and get the happily ever after for both of us.

Too Christian...

"Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth." 
~ 2 Timothy 2:15

I've been seeing a lot of publicity on Tim Tebow.  You know, the NFL quarterback that gets down on one knee to give thanks to God.  They've even made his actions a verb.  Someone was "Tebow-ing."  This has brought a lot of controversy everywhere I go.  Even the Christian radio station talks about it daily.

What's wrong with a Christian guy being grateful for the talents he was blessed with?  Apparently the problem is that he is doing it in public.  It isn't acceptable to let millions of people know that you pray.  It's OK if you want to point up to the sky quickly or say a silent prayer on the sidelines but Heaven forbid you do it on National television.  That's just not right.

It is OK however to dance around like a fool in the end zone.  OK to high five or smack another guys' rear end.  It's even OK to have bad sportsmanship and taunt the other team.  But you can't kneel.  You can't mention God or scripture verses in an interview.  You can't put John 3:16 on your face for everyone to see.  Do you see a pattern here?

I have run into the same situation in my own life.  When I started dating, it was suggested that maybe I should tone down that I go to church twice a week.  Perhaps I would give off the wrong impression.  I would hate to have anyone I've just met think I'm the wrong kind of girl [please note the sarcasm].  I've had people sneer at status updates.  Like how could God really have had anything to do with the weather?  No one will come out and confront me directly.  But it's the little things.  Wayne gets the same response when he tells his buddies how God brought us together.  It's probably tougher on him because he has to be a "man."  Well, he's the manliest man I've ever met and he'll be the first one to tell you about Jesus.

We're obviously being "Too Christian."  I'm letting people know that I have faith in the Lord above.  I try to give him credit for the blessings in my life.  I ask for prayers when I need them.  No, I don't have an audience of a million plus people.  I can't get the message out to that many people.  But I am being watched.  By my co-workers.  By my friends.  By people at karate and soccer and play practice.  By my family.  Last but not least, by three precious angels that learn more from what I don't say than what I do say.  

And I know I'm not perfect.  God doesn't expect me to be.  But since I'm Christian, a lot of people do.  "See - she's a hypocrite because she's not perfect.  And she calls herself a Christian."   There was only one perfect human being and I'm not it.  But I will continue to grow and learn.  I'll tell you that God was responsible for giving me the three beautiful children I have.  He gave me Wayne, who continues to bless me as we grow in an amazing "Too Christian" relationship.  He puts food on my table and a roof over my head.  He blesses me with things too numerous to count.

So, at the end of the day I'm afraid that I will be "stuck" with the label of being "Too Christian."  If you don't like it, tough.  I'm not changing.  Well, maybe I am but it won't be in the direction you want.  I'd rather be accused for being a Christian than mistaken for not being one. And for all of you naysayers, I hope Tebow never backs down.  That's exactly what Satan wants. 

2011 Was Amazing - Part 2

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." ~John Lennon

This is part 2 to the blog I posted in February instead of making a resolution list. If you didn't read part 1, here is the link
http://thenot-so-secretlifeofasoccermom.blogspot.com/2011/02/2011-was-amazing.html.

I'll bet you're wondering how it turned out. Well, you tell me...

1. No, I'm not famous yet. But I've had almost 4,000 hits to my blog this year. Double what I had in 2010. Going for 8,000 in 2012. I love and appreciate my followers so much! Feel free to share if you love a blog.

2. I did stop wasting my time on guys that weren't worth it.

3. Yes to karate but no to the other sports (for now). I'm up to my purple belt in Tae Kwon Do about to test for blue so not too shabby. Perhaps I'll be more successful next year with the others.

4. The job is still good. We have tripled our business but I'm not doing Sales (yet).

5. The kids are doing great and continue to follow in what they are passionate about. They've even discovered some new talents. We are still trying to balance Jacob's ADHD and will be seeing a new doctor next month. He did go from C's to B's and even an A.

6. The possibility of a house is closer than ever. We'll see what the new year holds.

7. Did I find "The One?". Oh yeah! This prediction didn't even come close to reality. It is soooo much better than I could have dreamed. He is a perfect fit for not only me but my kids as well. As for the new addition, that is a much less likely proposition lol.

So, the year didn't turn out exactly as I had planned. But this is mainly because I was so busy living life (really truly living for once) that I had much less time for planning. I would venture to say that it turned out much better this way.

Happy New Years' to everyone! I hope yours will be as incredible as mine will be! Be watching for my "2012 Was An Amazing Year" coming next week.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:New Jersey

The World Seems Much Smaller Now

"I would rather live in a world where my life was surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it."
~Henry Emerson Fosdick

I didn't used to believe I lived a sheltered life when I was a kid. Maybe not so sheltered but secluded. It was a world of kickball and flag football and summers at the beach. No, not one of those fancy beaches with beach houses and lifeguards but a rocky beach where you never knew what would wash up after a storm. My circle of friends was small but true. The boundaries of my world consisted of the of the pillars at the end of the street and the gate to the lake at the other end.

As I got older, those boundaries stretched a little. A Girl Scout camping trip with an hour long drive felt like we were going to drive off the edge of the Earth. A trip to Fairport Harbor or the West Side brought scenery yet explored at that point of my life. A 20-mile drive for my work permit was a big deal especially considering the lack of a second working car most of the time.

College took me four hours away from home. Five if you count my trombone audition at Miami of Ohio. Road trips took me into West Virginia and even all the way to the Eastern Seaboard and the Gulf of Mexico. As my horizons broadened, so did my yearning for travel - my desire to see more of the World and also find myself in it.

I moved to Tennessee and completed college. My career took me to other countries. I learned new cultures and languages. Airline reward miles racked up as our vendor base grew. The World seemed ever so much smaller the more I saw of it. I write this as I am a passenger on our trip to New York for New Years' Eve. Second trip here this year. 10-hour trips seem to fly by as quickly as a 15-minute trip used to.

Since I've moved back home, memories flood back of those early days. Sometimes I hesitate to cross the imagined boundaries of my universe from my childhood. There are no roadblocks stopping me anymore from going to the next county, state or even country. The giants from my past that bullied me have shrunk in size and no longer haunt me. The problems that seemed insurmountable have diminished and no longer hold the power they once did. I don't know if my confidence has helped bring everything into perspective or if my perspective has increased my confidence. Either way, my view of it is so different now.

So, as I sail into 2012, I will continue to broaden my horizons and explore my world as it stands today. I don't pretend to always understand it and I can't say I've conquered all of my demons. I go now, less afraid of what the unknown holds and even less afraid of myself. But I believe I understand me now and isn't that what it is all about anyways?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:New Jersey