Butterflies

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses and shouldn't throw stones.  Because you can never really know.  Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies..." ~Carrie Bradshaw on SATC

Alright, dating sucks.  Well, not so much the actual date but the stuff leading up to it.  The "Does he like me? Is he going to ask me out? What am I going to wear?" stuff.  And even better is the "Is he going to call me? Do I wait or do I call him?" stuff.  It's the self-doubt time.  You wonder if you are is good enough.  Replay the date in your mind wondering if you said all of the right things.  

Why do we let one person hold our worth in their hands?  I don't know but we've all done it at least once in our lives.  It's worse than interviewing for a job.  At least you have the potential for a paycheck (and if you get one on a date - that's a whole other blog topic!).  This is someone that's only been in your life for a week or two.  Yet their opinion at the moment means more to you than your lifelong friends.  I guess it's because you know that they like you.  They've been through all of your past failures and successes and still love you.

Someone told me that I should wait to date.  Work on myself.  You know - tighten up a few areas.  Figure out who I am.  Take some time for myself.  Well, first of all, if someone can't like me for who I am now, they sure the hell don't deserve me when I'm in a size 5.  I'm pretty confident I know who I am.  At least as well as I am going to ever truly know myself.  And this is all part of taking some time for myself.  Learning how I look through other people's eyes.

It's a daunting prospect dating at 39 (I can still say that for a few more weeks).  Especially with three kids.  Three very active, still quite young kids.  Most guys run the other direction at the prospect.  For those who make it past that point, there's the age thing.  Many of the guys, regardless of their age, are looking for someone still in their twenties.  Good luck with that.  And by the way, I'm not at all bitter about either of these points.  It's just the facts.  I figure if they've made it this far, they must be pretty special.

I'm updating my dating requirements.  Still keeping with the not married and not related (see my dating post if you haven't already read it).  The age thing I'm much more flexible on.  Would still rather not go much younger.  I mean, like I'm going to keep up with a twenty-six year old.  Really?  I don't see that happening.  And I think sixty may be a bit on the older side.  Sorry Mom,  but do you really want me dating someone that is old enough to be my Dad?

This is what I've figured out so far is this.  I want:  

• Someone who cherishes me.  Wants to know who I am.  The good and the bad.  Forgets that there is anyone else in the room.  Looks into my eyes and sees into my soul. 
• Someone who actually takes time to read my blog.  This is me.  At least a part of me that I share with the world.
• Someone who likes me for me.  The somewhat frazzled woman that cleans up quite well.  At least my appearance.  We're not even going to talk about the apartment!
• Someone who can deal with the crazy, mostly controlled chaos that is my life.   
• Someone that when I tell them that I have Cub Scouts and then a skating party says "That sounds like fun!  Can I join you?" 

So, yeah, I'm asking a lot.  I think I deserve it.  No, I know I deserve it.  I deserve to find the one that is going to make the second half of my life simply amazing.  I know it may take a little bit of patience and a lot of faith, but it will be worth it.  Oh yeah - I forgot one - I want someone that gives me butterflies whenever I think of them and makes my toes curl when they kiss me.   Now is that asking too much? :)