Thursday, April 19, 2012

Dead Man Walking

"It was simply a slow, dead man walking kind of thing. I had expected turbulence, the worst I experienced was people averting their eyes and the most common reaction was people looking at me, silence." ~Ray McGovern

It's a pretty crappy feeling-the knowing. Before it was just an inkling; a suspicion that things are not quite right. But when you find out for sure it really smacks you in the face.

And that sucks because you tell yourself that you are just over-thinking the situation. Maybe the tell-tale signs that you imagine are from stress or the lack of sleep.

Unfortunately I have been blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the ability to read through the BS and lies. I try for a while to live in denial. Put my rose-colored glasses on and ignore the bad. Forget the negative because I had a few good days.

But the conclusion is looming ever so much closer. I can no longer ignore the writing on the wall. I knew from the beginning of taking this job that it would be an uphill battle. It wasn't that I was starting a new job after 18 years. I walked into a storm. I saw it the first day I started an almost turned around and ran the other way.

And yet I stayed. I was given a challenge from a friend to make the most of what I had. To use my talents to make it a better place. I did my best for the most part. I didn't quite make lemonade, but it was drinkable.

But my best wasn't good enough. I've known it for a while. It's a fight I will never win no matter how hard I try. The system isn't there. There is very little teamwork and loyalty. Whatever glue was holding it together has washed away when we recently lost some amazing players-some by choice and one in such disregard for his hard work and effort that my stomach churns when I think about it. I see the looks as I walk through the plant. I now know a bit of what it feels to walk the green mile. "Dead man walking" rings in my ears as I take each step, just biding my time until the inevitable happens and they turn off the fake smiles and show their true selves.

I know that it's time to grow up and realize that the real world isn't always pretty and most of the time is very harsh. It takes more than a good work ethic and talent. It takes schmoozing and politics and a lot of time being born the right sex. I can't do anything about the last one and I refuse to play the first two. That's not me and so I will continue to fight and uphill battle for the rest of my career. I won't throw someone under the bus and walk right over them in order to get ahead or keep my job.

So, that means I start looking (again). I know there is something better waiting for me around the corner. This is one of those times in my life that God is forcing me to look for the door. He will take care of me and my kids. I am so grateful for the people that still look out for me as I continue my journey. As for the rest, all I can say is karma is a bitch.

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