Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Found my rose-colored glasses...

It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny. ~Anthony Robbins

Focus.  Today was a difficult day for me.  I should have been in a beautiful place with an amazing person having the time of my life.  Instead, I got to play soccer mom.  Granted, it's one of my favorite jobs in the whole world, but that trip had been "our" trip.  At least for the seemingly fairy-taley last two years.  But he's gone and is no longer our trip.

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to think of anything else today.  I mean, I knew he was going to be there.  I knew he was with somebody new.  I knew someone else was going to be in his arms and causing his smile.  Damn.  

But God had other plans for me today.  I went to the soccer pictures and saw several of my East Side friends.  I went to practice and enjoyed the morning sun on my face and the dew on my feet.  I introduced myself to one of the Cub Scout moms.  Then, right as we were finished, I happened to strike up a conversation with a truly amazing pair of people.  And to think I almost walked away before I could meet them because we had been gone all morning.

We talked about everything from ADHD to dating to divorce and found that we had a ton of stuff in common.  But most importantly, we talked about God.  How He is in our lives and His plans for us.  How God should be first in our lives.  Our spouses second and kids third.  I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but it truly makes sense when you see it in action.  David said for the guy to focus on God and the wife to focus on the man.  That God on the sixth day sent His Spirit out into the world.

That's when it hit me.  I posted last week that I had misplaced my rose-colored glasses.  The glasses aren't glasses at all.  It's why I can see the good even though I acknowledge the bad.  God is the rose-colored tint.  He is the good I want to see despite the ugly.  Despite the wrinkles and the scars.  God is my pair of glasses and by looking for Him in the world, I will see the beauty that I have always craved.  His spirit is the beauty that I see in everyone.  

It has nothing to do with me only wanting to see the pretty side of things.  It's that I want to be closer to God and anything that reminds me of him.  From my kids to a sunset to a smile from a stranger.  The reason I thought I had misplaced them was because my anger was blinding me to the fact that God was there all the time waiting for me to open my eyes.  He hadn't gone anywhere.  My pain and anguish just caused me not to be willing to see what was right in front of my eyes. 

So today, go look for the beauty.  It is everywhere and in everything.  Know that the warmth and comfort you gain is the Holy Spirit laying His wings upon you.  And me.  Because I can finally see and feel what God has been telling me all along: "I'm here and I'm not going away.  You just have to look and I'm right there waiting for you."  And He is. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Has anyone seen my rose-colored glasses?

“Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals. Nobody wants to read the small print in dreams.” ~Ann Landers

 Reality.  It sucks.  Yeah I said it.  I have been accused many times of looking through life through rose-colored glasses.  It's not that I'm naive (which I am sometimes).  It's that I like to focus on the good in people and situations.  I don't like to think about the ugly parts of it.   Life is too short to dwell on the negative.  But being depressed tends to change all that in a very abrupt and painful way.  It's like pulling an extremely sticky bandage off of a very open wound and then pouring acid on it.  And then putting the old dirty bandage back over it to seal in all the yuck.

  The great part about depression (as if there can be a great part to being devestated) is that it rips the rose-colored glasses off of you and shoves your face into reality.  If you allow it, it will only let you look at the ugly side of things.  I say that as if you could have any control at allowing it or not.  You don't.  You could have the most beautiful sunset on the most beautiful beach in the world sitting with the most amazing people and feel completely numb to it.  You almost can't feel the heat from the sun.  

  Believe me, I know from experience.  Because less than a month ago I was there.  On the perfect beach with a perfect sunset with the perfect people.  And I was just this side of numb.  I had the power of the warm salty ocean crashing against my body yet I could barely feel it.  Maybe it's because I put so many walls up so I couldn't feel the pain that it just blocked everything.

  Life has forced me to take a very harsh look at everything in my life.  It's almost like it screamed at me "wake up and take a look around you!"  What I see is very much not the perfect little life I thought I had.  Or maybe I had but I've lost it.  Everything looks different now.  Feels different now.  I'm back to those shadows I didn't even know existed until I was in the light.  Those rose-colored glasses not only skewed my vision but my feelings as well.  Now the warmth has been taken away.

  Or I'm blocking it.  Which means I hold the key to my recovery.  I'd like to find where I placed those glasses.  If I just had those, then everything would be warm and fuzzy.  I'm sitting here at my desk with the sunlight filtering in the window yet I'm sitting in the shadows.  The sun begins merely a foot or so away from me.  I know the light would warm me from the inside out yet I am paralyzed to move towards it.  Is it that I can't move or I won't?  Isn't that the million dollar question?!

  So for today, I am looking for the beauty in little things.  A pretty sunrise, a gentle wind blowing through the branches, a new melody that piques my curiosity.  I can't quite feel them yet and extract the pleasure that I know is there.  But I'm looking for them and towards them; trying to ignore the ugliness and putting it behind me.  I hope soon I can let it go instead of holding on to it like an anchor.  And maybe soon I will find where I misplaced those glasses...