Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Did you beat yourself up today?

"The only hard part is the waiting around and getting yourself back up to wrestle another match."~Mike Campbell

Yesterday I forgot my sons' Parent-Teacher conference.  Yeah - that was bad enough.  But it was the annual 504 review to extend the assistance he receives.  And I didn't remember it until 12:30 in the morning. I was still fighting to get Jacob to go to sleep.  I had a thought to e-mail his teacher that he would probably be tired and then the sinking feeling hit the pit of my stomach.

It was a pretty bad Supermom day anyways.  Kiara got a D in Science, so I was trying to help her study for her test.  When I say study, I mean pulling teeth to convince this child that she didn't know the subject matter as well as she thought.  I persevered through attitude and rolled eyes and other pre-teen protests until she flat out fell asleep on the couch.  So much for that child.

Child #2 also fell asleep and woke up not only on the wrong side of the bed, she woke up in an altered universe.  Hormonal is not even close to describing how Brianna woke up.  Poor Jacob.  Between the two sisters, he is swimming in Estrogen and attitude!

Went to karate testing.  Got my next belt despite the knockouts that happened there.  One step away from black belt now.  This was the only good thing that happened.

After karate, I send everyone for showers and bed.  That's when the real trouble started.  They refused to go to sleep.  You can make them go to bed, but you can't make them sleep (at least not legally anyways).  After fighting with them for 30 minutes - and they had already gone to sleep later than their normal bedtime - I told them that ice cream after their karate testing the next day was out.  Jacob fell out.  He threw a fit for another 30 minutes.  As I've said before, he has an extreme persistance that could drive Mother Theresa to drink. 

I finally made him come downstairs so his sisters (note: Science test tomorrow and already sleep-deprived) could get some rest.  He had a look on his face that would melt the coldest of hearts.  He said simply "I'm sorry Mommy."  And those three words spoke more than you can imagine.  It was more than he was just sorry for being up still.  He was sorry for having this crappy disease that drives me insane.  Sorry for putting me and his sisters through this suffering.  Sorry for being who he is.

So, now back to the top of this blog.  To beat myself up.  I'm sitting on my couch, thinking that I should e-mail his teacher.  Holding my child as he holds me just as tightly and we console each other.  Because neither one of us will ever be what we should be but so much more than we could ever have expected.  And we will continue to fight.  And beat ourselves up...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I am a doormat

"There is a delicate balance of putting yourself last and not being a doormat and thinking of yourself first and not coming off as selfish, arrogant or bossy. We spend the majority of our lives attempting to perfect this balance."
Cindy L. Teachey

Today I have to call a vendor (again) and tell them that their machine is crap and to take it back.  I know that's not going to happen because we already paid for the machine.  But it's the principal of the matter.  We got this machine in, it doesn't do what it's supposed to do consistently and they need to take care of it.  Unfortunately I have to prove the machine is broken in order to get someone to make a service call.

And that's where the problem begins.  I have to argue our position.  I am not a born debater.  I'll fight to the death if I think I'm right, but finding the words sometimes becomes a problem.  At least until I get so pissed that I can see red.  Then I go into full battle mode.  Otherwise I shrink back and settle.

I don't know when I became a doormat.  Was I born this way or have people beat me down enough in life that took me to this place?  The verbal and emotional abuse I endured had to contribute to this condition.  But I had to be vulnerable to even start accepting that treatment.  And I fall so easily back into that groove.  And then I get frustrated at myself for letting it happen.

I'm lucky to be in a relationship now with someone who would never treat me as less than an equal.  But he's only one person.  The world can be a tough place if you can't stand up for yourself.  Especially in a man's world like manufacturing.  There are some great people out there, but right behind them is another that would steal candy from a baby. 

So, today I am pissed.   At the people in my past that have made me more of a doormat than I should be.  At the vendor causing me to work through lunch again.  Mainly for allowing myself to struggle so much with something that should be cut and dry.