Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's not much...but it's all I have

"No one saves us but ourselves.  No one can and no one may.  We ourselves must walk the path."

For those of you keeping up, you have probably figured out by now that I didn't end up with the love of my life.  Otherwise, why would I torture myself with the very large percentage of bad dates.  OK - not bad - opportunities for improvement as we say at work.  Lots and LOTS of opportunities...

It was a beautiful journey filled with hope and promise.  I was given what I needed at the time and I know that I gave myself completely and totally.  I gave my heart.  I gave my soul.  Because for the first time, someone took the time to see it.  I was opened from the inside out.  Scars that I had buried deep and some that I didn't realize I had were healed.  I believe I am a better person for having known him and I will never forget what we had together.  Even though it's over, hearing a phrase he said or a song we had discussed brings me instantly to that moment in time.  He's the reason I now write.  My mind was turned on and it doesn't have an off button now.  I needed somewhere to put the outpouring of emotions and thoughts.

This month has been especially poignant as each date holds a special memory.  It's amazing how I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday but I remember exactly what I was doing April 13th last year.  I can tell you what the weather was like.  Even what was discussed.  It was such a period of renewal and discovery not only in myself but in how I interact with others. 

And I learned what a broken heart feels like.  A physical pain like a hand crashing through your chest and squeezing your heart of practically every ounce of existence.  Then it leaves as quickly as it comes leaving you alone to find the pieces scattered like grains of sands throughout your soul.  And that is the pilgrimage - you now have to figure out how to make it on your own.  Each moment of self-discovery embeds another fragment back where it should be.  You don't every return back to the person you were but eventually you get to be who you were meant to be.  The goal is to be grateful for the good and learn from the bad.  I had an awful lot of good - and that's the part I miss the most.

I'm left with only me.  I'm left with just my heart.  It's all I have.   But it's a very special heart.  It now knows happiness.  It knows sorrow.  It is resilient and strong.  The scars are tougher than the fibers that were there before.  It's tender and has a whole lot of love to give.  It's guarded; so much more so than before because it fears the pain but still open enough to the possibility that I know is still out there waiting.  This was my path to walk.  One where I left no regrets.  And that is the first time in my life I can honestly say that.

So, now I know what I want.  My standards are held high because I now realize that I am worth so much more than what I've been given in the past.  I've been told that I'm expecting too much.  What they don't understand is that I've had it - I know it's out there.  And I can't settle for anything less than that again.  It may be a futile search but I'm not in a hurry.  Because I will no longer just survive.  I plan to thrive and I will find what I am looking for. And in the meantime you'll get to enjoy the journey with me :)

1 comment:

  1. Good to hear from you. You're going to be just fine. Just focus on you and the kids and see what happens with the rest of the world.