Wednesday, March 28, 2012

When my best is just not good enough...

"Sometimes doing your best is not good enough.  Sometimes you must do what is required." ~Winston Churchill

This month has been a tough one on me.  There's a lot going on and never enough time to get it done.  As I've mentioned before, I tend to take on too much and expect even more out of myself.  It usually isn't pretty when it's all said and done.

My mom job has been crazy.  The girls are in a musical and the practices pay off in the end.  Add those to the already busy karate, choir, band, Awana, Cub Scout and getting ready for Middle School meetings and it is a recipe for disaster all by itself.  And just as Tech Week begins (4-5 hour practices every day for a week), the soccer coaches call for practices.  Really?  They couldn't wait just one more week?

So, I'm not acing the mom thing this month.  The laundry is multiplying by the minute.  The dishes have been kept from climbing out of the sink.  The fridge and cupboards are looking lonely.  My kids are surviving but I just feel like I could do better.

And then there is work.  This is the busiest I have been in 14 years.  How can I pinpoint it that close?  I mean - I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday (if I had time to eat it - it was probably the crust off of Jacob's PB&J sandwich for lunch).  How can I remember back that far?  Well, 14 years ago - give or take a month - I was 1) launching my first full Honda program, 2) final exams for school since I was working full time and going to school full time and 3) getting married.  I had scheduled myself a half a day off on Friday to give me a few minutes to get the last minute details ready for the wedding.

I planned as well as I could.  Tried not to procrastinate on anything.  I had my nails done the weekend before.  Needless to say, by Thursday I had bitten the nails completely off.  My nerves were shot.  I squeaked by on the launch.  I guess I passed my exams since they gave me my degree and at least showed up at the church before my mom did (inside joke but mom knows what I'm talking about).  Nothing went as well as it should and I'm sure I took a few years off of my life that week.

This entire month seems like that week.  I have three major tools launching at work.  I was told "this is the most important program we have launching in the next five years."  No pressure or anything.  I feel like I have pulled and dragged two of the three tools through the program.  No amount of lists or meetings or planning could make this a smooth transition.  I've prayed.  I've cried (a lot).  I've cursed and begged and worked 18 hour days to no avail.  When Chrysler got here, I felt like we had the Three Stooges running the show.  I take that back - they probably would have done a better job.  At least everyone would have been laughing at the end.

No laughing here.  Just those looks.  You know - the "I'm sorry you failed and didn't do a better job for us" looks.  Like my boyfriend just dumped me or something.  "Poor, pitiful Michele.  It's too bad she didn't do more."

Well, unfortunately I feel like I did the best I could.  This time it just wasn't good enough.  And it's making me feel like I'm not very good at this.  20 years of experience and I couldn't pull it off.  We didn't fail.  But we didn't pass either.  They were disappointed.  My boss was disappointed.  The CEO was disappointed.  And I feel like crap.  And it sucks - big time.  I've gone over and over in my head what else I could have done and I've got nothin'.

So, does that mean I'm not enough?  I don't know the answer to that right now.  No - I'm not downing myself.  I know I'm capable.  But am I as good as I've built myself up to be in my mind?  Am I deceiving myself that I have the skills and gifts to do this?  I know God wouldn't put more on me than I can handle.  For the moment, I just don't know what my next step will be so as usual I will persevere.  Besides, there's laundry waiting...

1 comment:

  1. You have captured my thoughts. Maybe there's something in the air, some illness going around. :-) I feel as though I'm spinning my wheels. I am getting nowhere. I know the destination, but I'm sitting in park in the driveway. And that's the best I can do. Uggg.