Pages

Monday, June 24, 2013

That moment when...

(I wrote this March of 2012.  I knew then even though I was afraid to say it)

Don't you hate that moment.  The moment when you know.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt.  That it's over.  Before they even realize it themselves.

It's like you're on the outside looking in.  Reading a novel.  Knowing what is just around the corner but the characters can't see it.  Scanning ahead quickly so you can get past the inevitable.

I saw it in your eyes that night after Cub Scouts.  It was a tough night.  But I walked out of the meeting and just knew.  I felt every bit of the frustration you tried to mask.  I mean, taking on three kids and an overworked soccer mom is a lot to ask for.  I knew at that point it was just too much.

But you stayed.  At least together.  You left for the night and I broke down in tears.  Because I knew.  I knew at that moment the tide had shifted.  You just didn't realize it yet.

Because I love my children more than life itself.  And I can't fix them.  They are who they are and what they are regardless of my interference.  And I am who I am in spite of trying to re-invent myself.

And I heard it in your voice today.  Well, not today because I won't be posting this blog just yet.  Today being March 5th.  Just barely less than a year from when we met.  But soon it will be yesterday.  I'll wait until you figure it out.  Until then I'll wait.

Because I know my heart will shatter again when you do.  And you will hesitate to tell me because I know you still care.  It's just too much.  You will tear yourself up inside trying to figure out the right time to tell me.  How to tell me without admitting the real reason why.

So for now I will be still.  On edge knowing that the time is coming.  Never knowing when the words will come spilling out.  Writing this now because I can hold back the tears (barely).  I won't be able to then. 

3 comments:

  1. I know this doesn't help you any but I was "single"..."divorced" with no kids for 10 yrs before I remarried. You haven't given yourself time to breathe yet from your divorce. Those kids are growing so fast before you know it, they'll be gone, girl. You time will come. If not with this guy, it will with another. You do what's right for you & the kids. Put it in God's hands.
    Just want you to know that your friends from TN care about you & want ONLY the BEST for you.
    He sounds like a great guy who is doing his best.
    Maybe all you guys needs is some downtime.
    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I need to proof read. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel your pain. I saw it that Saturday night. I knew when I first found you guys at the big heads and saw it in his face. You had not told me yet but I knew and I felt the pain that it seemed both of you had.

    I have been there. I told Ron before we ever started dating I was a packaged deal. It was all of us or none of me. I was lucky.

    With time my sweet Michele, as much as you do not want to hear this, in time you will be able to look back and you will find an inner peace and realize this was just a stepping stone to bigger and better things.

    ReplyDelete