Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sometimes you can even see the angels...
“Friends are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” ~Unknown
End of the month. What a crappy couple of months it has been. Probably the worst I’ve had in a long time. At least since before the divorce. That’s a time I don’t even like to think about. I was a different person back then. I am a different person today than I was two months ago. Not sure if it’s for the better yet. I was definitely hammered and melted down and reformed several times just as the brass is here at work. I was an ugly mess. I still need some polishing, but I’m getting there.
What a difference a week has made. Closure. Knowing that I can’t do anything to change your mind is helping me to move on. You feel that you were the only one putting any effort into the relationship (really???) and that I didn’t have enough time for you (single mom with a full time job???). I won’t convince you to change your heart and I can't change my situation. I deserve better than that.
Don’t get me wrong – I still love you. I can’t seem to throw that away. But I’m letting it go. Praying a lot. And I’ve had help with that. I have some very incredible people in my life. Some old friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. Some newer that are equally as special to me. And some very new. Beautiful angels placed in my path letting me know God is definitely watching out for me. He wants the best for me and wants me to be happy. And is telling me that this isn't my fault and maybe it's not me who is being punished. Maybe he has much bigger plans for me so I need to change my path. It never ceases to amaze me the messages God sends and who he sends them through if I am just willing to listen.
Breathe. That is what’s on my post-it on my computer. I’ve added patience and listening to it. Now trust and no expectations = no disappointment. Maybe my only fault that I expected so much and you weren’t able to deliver on it. So I’m trying to take it one day at a time. One step at a time. Remembering what is now in indelible ink on my foot so I'll never forget. Not imagine and daydream of how it might be. Just enjoy it for what it is now.
I’m not able to dream yet. I need something solid to stand on. When I find that, maybe I can look forward again. It’s still about today. About making it from break to break. I don’t even want to plan next week let alone next month because I’m afraid of what it will hold (or won’t hold). And I can’t afford to slip backwards into that darkness again.
For now it’s repairing my relationship with God. Strengthening my relationship with my children. We have definitely all hurt and grown from this. And repairing my relationship with myself. Learning to trust myself again. To have faith in my judgement. To trust that I can love again. Even more importantly that I can be loved again and there are many people out there that love me unconditionally. Especially when I didn’t love myself. Building and rebuilding ties with the beautiful people who have stayed. God has sent many angels to surround me and protect me. Sometimes you can even see those angels.
So here's a thank you to my angels. You know who you are and I hope you realize how incredibly special you are to me. I will never be able to thank you enough for loving me and standing by me when I couldn't stand myself. For lifting my feet when I couldn't feel my wings. For showing me I could fly again...