Are you who you want to be?

"This is your life - are you who you want to be?"~Lyrics from This is Your Life by Switchfoot

Wow!  What a question to have posed to you first thing in the morning.  I don't know about you, but I am not a morning person.  I tend to stay up too late doing things I want to do that I can't get done during a normal day.  Or, like last night, searching my house for my laundry card that still eludes discovery.  So not much sleep and still plenty of dirty laundry lol.

I'll ask myself this question first.  Am I who I want to be?  I know I am who I am supposed to be.   I am where I am supposed to be.  But am I who I want to be?  For the most part I will have to say yes.  Looks wise no, I'm not a supermodel.  But I am quite beautiful and still turn a decent amount of heads when I walk past.  I'm not quite where I want to be but in a much better place than I used to be.  And I'm real.  I like that about myself.  I know when I look in the mirror, I am what God made me (with the exception of some help from Ms. Clairol and a few pins in my shoulder and foot...).  No guessing if they are real or if there were a few nips and tucks.  It's all me.

The same thing can be said for my personality.  I truly enjoy who I am.  And I am real.  The person you meet is the person I am inside as well.  Sometimes I push through a bit of shyness that most people will never see, but otherwise it's me.  I'll tell it like it is but be gentle about it.  If I tell you something, you can believe that I mean it.  I'm known for being a sweet, outgoing, sensitive Christian girl with a bit of an adventurous side.  Can't say that I'm perfect, but I mean well.

As with everyone, I have things I would like to improve upon.  I want to be a better mother.  Yeah, I'm a good mother, but i want to be a great one.  With three kids, that's a lot of work.  But work that is well worth it.  I want to be a better friend.  I have some truly amazing friends.  I hope I can pay forward the friendship I have been blessed with.  I want to be a better Christian.  And eventually, I would like to have a job where I feel I am contributing more to society and not just bringing home a paycheck.

I realized a while back that like the song says - "This is your life ."  It is my life.  I have taken control of it.  Taken responsibility for my position in life.  Accepted that I can change what I don't like and appreciate what I do.  No one is responsible for my happiness and well-being.  That is my job and I have embraced it wholeheartedly.

So, for the most part, yes - I am who I want to be.  I'm where I'm meant to be.  Going in a direction that I like.  Now, I pose the question to you:  Are you who you want to be?

Did that really just happen?

"Once we are in the habit of filtering what we want to believe through a sieve, disbelief splashes back in our face" ~Author unknown

So dating.  Have I told you it sucks lately?  Actually - it is more a constant source of amazement and entertainment.  Why do I share my misfortunes with the world?  Why should I be the only person getting a good laugh...?

I had a free night.  By free I mean without children (stayed at Grandma's), no work, and basically no responsibilities.  It doesn't happen very often, so when it does I try to take advantage of it.  What would any self-deprecating, borderline insane person do in a case such as this?  Probably go through her list of semi-normal appearing contacts and see who she should give the honor of taking her out on a date.  And that's what I did.

I decided on the medical research scientist.  Sounded normal.  Cute.  Had a busy schedule, so he would understand mine.  What the heck.  I rush around to get the apartment in order.  It's the week before my girls' play, so life's been super busy.  I have to erase all remnants of the chaos that is my life and make it appear that I have it all together and I just didn't vacuum up the pixos/sculpy/paperoni's that littered the dining room floor. (It's a mom thing you wouldn't understand unless you have kids).

Apartment is clean.  That leaves me about 7 minutes to get ready.  Wow!  That's a record.  Usually it's only 5.  I get ready.  I look good.  Really good.  And I say that in the most humble of ways.  Scientist knocks on the door.  I glide over and answer it without breathing so he doesn't know I had to run to the door.  He's pretty cute in person.  I invite him in.  We talk for a few.  Seems to be going well.

I am dying of thirst from rushing so much.  I go to the kitchen for a glass of water.  When I come back out, he's texting.  Not a super good sign.  I mean, I know I'm new at this, but I understand this means his attention is elsewhere and not on me.  I joke and ask if he was letting everyone know that I wasn't an axe murderer.  (Long story - basically mom asks me how I know someone's not an axe murderer.  I ask everyone on the off chance someone will be honest lol).  He says that he was putting his phone in emergency mode so we could have some privacy.  Riiiight....

No more than 5 minutes later, his phone beeps.  Hmmm.  He proceeds to begin the worst case of acting I've seen in a long time.  He drops his head into his hands.  He acts hesitant to answer it.  Says he has a different ring for everyone and that is his co-worker.   He hems and haws.  (That looks strange - I've never typed it before lol).  Says that either he wants to go out for a drink or the lab blew up.  Mmmhmmm...  yeah.  I was born yesterday.

I encourage him to check it.  I mean, I know what's going on, but he's trying ever so hard to seem genuine.  I don't know whether to play along or call him out on the floor.  If I call him out, I won't know just how far he'll take this.  Play along it is...  He gives in and finally checks the text making sure he holds the phone so I have a clear view of the message.  "You have to come back into work immediately.  The condenser on the freezer has died."  Plausible.  Maybe a 1% chance of some truth.  He now takes his head in both of his hands exhaling loudly.  "I told my boss we shouldn't buy the used freezer.  We are going to lose 3 years of research and $35,000 worth of materials.  I have to go in and see if there is a spare freezer that we can use."  Keep in mind this is all being spoken with deep drama.    I just keep my mouth closed other than offer to help move the stuff which he quickly rejects.  It's so hilarious I am about to laugh at this point.

He heads back to work and tells me he will text when he gets there on the off chance he can make it back.  Like that's going to happen.  I call my bff's.  I ask "please tell me that there is the slightest chance that he was telling the truth."  Nope.  Pretty consistent responses.  Ali suggests I have him send a picture.  Brilliant.  He finally texts me and says that there is water all over the floor.  I respond "OMG.  That's terrible.  You'll have to send me a picture!"  And - that's the last I heard from the medical research scientist...

I wasn't upset.  It didn't kill my self-esteem.  I laughed.  I mean, really?  Did he really just do that?  Yes, yes - he really did that.  Something didn't click on his side.  I would have understood if he was not into me and just told me without playing a game and treating me like I was stupid.  But, apparently he had a burning desire to be turned into a bad dating blog.

And so, here I am granting him his deepest desire.  Because if you think you are going to treat me with a complete lack of respect and get away with it, you are sorely mistaken.  I will blog.  That's what I do.  And instead of sitting around waiting, I called up my buddy and went over to his house and played Xbox 360 until 8 a.m.  There's just the slightest chance I was picturing his face as I was obliterating bad guys!  Until next time...

It's not much...but it's all I have

"No one saves us but ourselves.  No one can and no one may.  We ourselves must walk the path."
~Buddha

 

For those of you keeping up, you have probably figured out by now that I didn't end up with the love of my life.  Otherwise, why would I torture myself with the very large percentage of bad dates.  OK - not bad - opportunities for improvement as we say at work.  Lots and LOTS of opportunities...

It was a beautiful journey filled with hope and promise.  I was given what I needed at the time and I know that I gave myself completely and totally.  I gave my heart.  I gave my soul.  Because for the first time, someone took the time to see it.  I was opened from the inside out.  Scars that I had buried deep and some that I didn't realize I had were healed.  I believe I am a better person for having known him and I will never forget what we had together.  Even though it's over, hearing a phrase he said or a song we had discussed brings me instantly to that moment in time.  He's the reason I now write.  My mind was turned on and it doesn't have an off button now.  I needed somewhere to put the outpouring of emotions and thoughts.

This month has been especially poignant as each date holds a special memory.  It's amazing how I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday but I remember exactly what I was doing April 13th last year.  I can tell you what the weather was like.  Even what was discussed.  It was such a period of renewal and discovery not only in myself but in how I interact with others. 

And I learned what a broken heart feels like.  A physical pain like a hand crashing through your chest and squeezing your heart of practically every ounce of existence.  Then it leaves as quickly as it comes leaving you alone to find the pieces scattered like grains of sands throughout your soul.  And that is the pilgrimage - you now have to figure out how to make it on your own.  Each moment of self-discovery embeds another fragment back where it should be.  You don't every return back to the person you were but eventually you get to be who you were meant to be.  The goal is to be grateful for the good and learn from the bad.  I had an awful lot of good - and that's the part I miss the most.

I'm left with only me.  I'm left with just my heart.  It's all I have.   But it's a very special heart.  It now knows happiness.  It knows sorrow.  It is resilient and strong.  The scars are tougher than the fibers that were there before.  It's tender and has a whole lot of love to give.  It's guarded; so much more so than before because it fears the pain but still open enough to the possibility that I know is still out there waiting.  This was my path to walk.  One where I left no regrets.  And that is the first time in my life I can honestly say that.

So, now I know what I want.  My standards are held high because I now realize that I am worth so much more than what I've been given in the past.  I've been told that I'm expecting too much.  What they don't understand is that I've had it - I know it's out there.  And I can't settle for anything less than that again.  It may be a futile search but I'm not in a hurry.  Because I will no longer just survive.  I plan to thrive and I will find what I am looking for. And in the meantime you'll get to enjoy the journey with me :)

One Year... (Part Three)

"To be alive is a fine thing. It is the finest thing in the world, though hazardous. It is a unique thing. It happens only once in a lifetime. To be alive, to know consciously that you are alive, and to relish that knowledge - this is a kind of magic. Or it may be a kind of madness, exhilarating but harmless." 
~Edna Ferber

 

  Alive. 

  It's hard to know what alive is when you are a shadow.  There is such a haze surrounding you that you can't see the sunlight.  It's cold and damp in that place.  You don't realize you are sad because you don't know what it feels to be happy.  You are the one that follows the action.  You are always a step behind because the ones making the shadow get to have all of the fun.  You can get close but you can never get ahead of the pack because by nature you are behind.  The sun's warmth is just out of your reach.

 

  I guess looking back that is a pretty good description of being depressed.  That was me.  I didn't know I was depressed at the time and would have denied it to the bitter end.  I'm too strong of a person to ever let depression touch me.  But it did.  I let someone steal my self-esteem and hold me down.  A self-imposed prison with bars made from years of verbal and emotional abuse and tied together by my belief in the lies.

  But today was a new day.  A warmth was spreading throughout me and shining out into the world.  I could actually feel it.  It wasn't just because Spring was beginning to bloom in Tennessee.  It was due to me finally feeling good about myself after so long.  Someone believed in me.  Someone remembered me; remembered who I was and showed me who I could still be.  I think that was the biggest thing - realizing that I could still be someone.  That this wasn't all that was left.  I could have happiness.  I could change my situation.  That there was more out there for me than just being a tired, broken-down taxi service and a target for a sharp and biting tongue.  

  I had found an amazing friend who saw all of this in me.  But he refused to take credit for any of it.  He told me that he was just showing me what I wasn't able to see myself.  He was my mirror.  Reflecting back to me what was there all along but I couldn't see it.  Maybe because of the darkness.  Perhaps because someone was blocking my view.  But it didn't matter.  Because I was finally awake.

So being awake opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities.  I was finally able to see what life might have in store for me.  A change of scenery.  A new career.  A closer walk with God allowing Him control of the reigns for a while.  A new-found self-confidence.  A realization.  That I was going to be OK. 

No, not just OK - truly living life out loud...