Sunday, April 3, 2011

One Year... (Part Three)

"To be alive is a fine thing. It is the finest thing in the world, though hazardous. It is a unique thing. It happens only once in a lifetime. To be alive, to know consciously that you are alive, and to relish that knowledge - this is a kind of magic. Or it may be a kind of madness, exhilarating but harmless." 
~Edna Ferber



  It's hard to know what alive is when you are a shadow.  There is such a haze surrounding you that you can't see the sunlight.  It's cold and damp in that place.  You don't realize you are sad because you don't know what it feels to be happy.  You are the one that follows the action.  You are always a step behind because the ones making the shadow get to have all of the fun.  You can get close but you can never get ahead of the pack because by nature you are behind.  The sun's warmth is just out of your reach.
  I guess looking back that is a pretty good description of being depressed.  That was me.  I didn't know I was depressed at the time and would have denied it to the bitter end.  I'm too strong of a person to ever let depression touch me.  But it did.  I let someone steal my self-esteem and hold me down.  A self-imposed prison with bars made from years of verbal and emotional abuse and tied together by my belief in the lies.

  But today was a new day.  A warmth was spreading throughout me and shining out into the world.  I could actually feel it.  It wasn't just because Spring was beginning to bloom in Tennessee.  It was due to me finally feeling good about myself after so long.  Someone believed in me.  Someone remembered me; remembered who I was and showed me who I could still be.  I think that was the biggest thing - realizing that I could still be someone.  That this wasn't all that was left.  I could have happiness.  I could change my situation.  That there was more out there for me than just being a tired, broken-down taxi service and a target for a sharp and biting tongue.  

  I had found an amazing friend who saw all of this in me.  But he refused to take credit for any of it.  He told me that he was just showing me what I wasn't able to see myself.  He was my mirror.  Reflecting back to me what was there all along but I couldn't see it.  Maybe because of the darkness.  Perhaps because someone was blocking my view.  But it didn't matter.  Because I was finally awake.

So being awake opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities.  I was finally able to see what life might have in store for me.  A change of scenery.  A new career.  A closer walk with God allowing Him control of the reigns for a while.  A new-found self-confidence.  A realization.  That I was going to be OK. 

No, not just OK - truly living life out loud...

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