Tuesday, June 21, 2011


"Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven." ~Henry Ward Beecher

Quiet.  That's what I am sitting in.   And yes, you can actually BE in quiet.  I'm sitting in this apartment and there is not a sound.  Nothing.  It's eerie.  There's always some kind of noise.

But the gentle snoring of children in deep sleep is gone tonight.  The occasional restless tossing and turning.  It's just - quiet.  

You see, the kids are visiting their dad for 4 weeks.  I was going to break it up into 2 weeks at a time, but I caved and agreed to 4 weeks in a row.  And we swapped a few days early, so it's almost going to be 5.  What was I thinking?  Until last summer, I had only been away from the kids for a day at a time and that was rare.  A week goes by pretty quickly.  But not 5.  I'm halfway through and I don't think I can handle it.   I've stayed busy up until now.  But tonight - in the quiet - I don't know if I'll make it another day.  

But of course I will.  I always survive, right?  I'll throw myself into something that takes my mind off of it a little while longer.   My amazing boyfriend has done an incredible job of this so far.  But he's out of town for a few days.   I need to keep myself busy.

So, instead of blogging about a bad date (I've had more than my fair share) or my wonderful boyfriend (there's plenty to tell there too), I've decided to blog about my kids.  Just think of it as  free therapy for me lol.

My kids are my life.  A huge portion of it that I couldn't live without.  I've always known that I was meant to have kids.  I spent a long time thinking that I wasn't going to be able to have any of my own.  And then I became pregnant.  It was an amazing time.  Three months of morning sickness and pre-baby shopping.  My family was ecstatic.   Then at 12 weeks we lost that one.  We'll never know exactly why or what happened.  I was devastated.  I fought anger and bitterness and was quite ticked off at God for letting it happen.  What I didn't know at the time was what he had in store for me yet.  I finally realized that I could get pregnant and just needed to figure out how to carry it to term.

After a year and a half, I finally became pregnant again.  I was really, really sick this time.  I went for an ultrasound at 7 weeks.  The technician looked around a bit and then excused herself from the room.  I started bawling.  I just knew something was wrong with the baby.  When she came back, she said that she needed confirmation of something...that there were two babies.  Twins!  By this time I am really crying.  What a joyous moment.  
And I was a nervous wreck.  Not only was I high-risk because of the first one, but I was really high-risk because I was having twins.  I prayed.  Not daily but hourly.  Whenever I had a free moment.  I was so grateful for each milestone I passed.  I did go into pre-term labor, but we were able to hold out until 36 1/2 weeks.  That's super for twins.  And I had two extremely healthy girls.  What a blessing!

You can't go anywhere quickly with twins.  Everyone, and I mean everyone has to ask.  Most people are just curious, but many ask some pretty ignorant questions.  Like - "Oh - you have a boy and a girl?"  They're both in pink with bows in their hair.  Which one is the boy?!?  Or - "Are they paternal?"  Nope - but they are fraternal.  We've kind of grown out of this phase by now.  Jacob even argued with my mom and told her that the girls weren't twins.Lol.

Fast forward two years.  Past countless sleepless nights and diaper changes in the tens of thousands.  Past hard-drives full of pictures.  Past smiles that melt your hearts and unforgettable moments.  My sis-in-law calls to ask me if I think she's pregnant.  The smell of cheeseburgers makes her queasy and she's really tired.  As she's talking, I realize I have the same symptoms.  Not only is she pregnant but so am I.  And we're due the same day with boys.  I I knew from day one that Jacob was going to be a boy.  I had no doubt in my mind that God had a special child waiting for me. 

I wouldn't trade my angels for anything in the world.  Sleep is highly overrated.  Money is too.  Who needs to keep the miles down on my car?  I was meant to be a mom - Brianna, Kiara and Jacob's mom- more than any other purpose in my life.  What I went through solidified these bonds even more.  And I've managed to let at least one more hour of my 2 1/2 weeks left to go letting you into a little more of our lives.  Thanks for letting me share and please pray for their safety and happiness while they're away! 


  1. Even though my journey to mom-dom was not an easy one either (3 miscarriages, countless tests & doctor visits), I wouldn't change it for the world. I know you're happy in Ohio, but I miss my friend. Hope to see you soon.

  2. thanks for the awesome perspective yet again, it's hard to lose a part of yourself and understand why, until you see what was meant to take it's place...hang in there waiting for them to be back in a few weeks, awesome pics they look like angels