Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Strength is defined as: the state, property, or quality of being strong (lame definition);  the power to resist attack; the power to resist strain or stress; the ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly; or the capacity or potential for effective action.

I've heard a lot lately that I am a strong person.  I'm trying to figure this out.  Just what do they mean by strong?  I am making a lot of changes in my life.  That takes courage.  Or insanity.  Haven't figured out which one yet.  I have been doing a lot of things for myself lately.  You know, crazy things.  Going out with the guys after work once in a while.  Working out.  I actually bought tickets to a musical and went all the way to Louisville with my best friend.  And it was even an overnight trip!  (BTW, if you don't already know me, expect that everything I say is meant to be sarcastic.  I really need that sarcasm font).  And of course there was Bonnaroo.  You already know how wild I got there! :)

So I've heard that I am strong because I am standing up for myself.  OK, I'll take that.  I have also heard it because I am brave enough to go kickboxing and zumba.  I don't see it.  It's a necessity for me.  Also a great stress reliever.  Yeah, I'm not exactly the smallest or most fit person in class.  But I hold my own.  Does it make me strong because I'm able to walk in there and not care what other people think?

My good friend said I was brave to take what I needed in order to get around Bonnaroo.  Like pushing my way forward in line.  Firmly, not rudely.  Or going around everyone and taking the back road to cut our wait in half.  And again just not caring what other people thought about me being twice their age and walking proudly through the crowd.  Again, I don't see it as strength.  I'm just tired of not doing what is good for me or what makes me happy because I am worried what other people think.  I did that for way too long.  Is that strength?

Everyone says that I'll be fine because I am a strong woman.  No, I'll be fine because I have to be.  I have three beautiful children that are counting on me.  My family is counting on me.  A lot of people are watching to see if I fall flat on my face. That may happen.  It's going to be a long fall this time.  But, as usual, I'll pick myself back up.  Because I have to.  Does that make me strong?

I've been told I have tunnel vision.  That once I have made my mind up about something, there is little that will steer me from my path.  This is because it takes me a long time to make a decision.  Once I do, I have already weighed all the pros and cons.  I have taken responsibility for the possibility of the bad happening.  I fight it for a long time.  Especially if it is something for myself because I just don't do that very often.  Once I have decided, I again feel like I have no choice. So I do what has to be done to get to the finish line.  Strength?  Who knows...

I'm trying to figure out how I got from the little girl on the school playground.  The one who sat on the sidewalk at recess for the first few years of school because she was so shy that she couldn't or wouldn't make friends.  The one who hated to call Kmart for her mother because she didn't want to talk to strangers on the phone.  I thank all of the people in my life who helped to build my confidence over the years.  It's hard to see that shy little girl anymore.  She's still in there.  She tries to come out when I am in a new situation and with people I don't know.  Hard to believe, but it's true.   I am able to bury her pretty good now.  Most of the time.  She's liable to pop up more frequently for a while with the move and new job.  But I'll get through it.  Again, strength?  I don't know.  Maybe so.

Maybe the strength is being able to hold the fear at bay.  To take that step out of the boat and onto the crashing waves.  It's going to take a lot of faith this next year.  There is a whole lot of unknown.  Yeah, like pretty much everything except the great friends and family already waiting for me.  So would you call taking the first step a sign of strength?  The first step might be the hardest to take, but I think continuing on the journey is tougher.  And the hardest of all may be knowing when to adjust my course.  We'll see.  Until then, I guess I continue to be strong (confident, brave, courageous, insane).  You pick it.  I'll have to let you know how it goes...

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