Wednesday, July 14, 2010
"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact" ~Henry James
So what is belief? Defined as the mental act, condition, or habit of placing trust or confidence in another. Synonyms are credence, credit, faith. Hmm. There's that word. Faith. It's taking a lot of courage to place all my faith in God to carry me through my journey right now but He's carried me through a lot in my life so far.
But back to the quote. Be not afraid of life. Now that's a tough one. It's not really that I fear life. It's the actual belief that life is worth living. Alright, don't worry - I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I've been doing a lot of sleepwalking through life for quite a while. Basically been on autopilot. Keeping my head down and staying on the path of least resistance. A very good friend of mine opened my eyes and made me realize this and I thank them dearly for that. There's so much more living out there for me to experience.
I'm not entirely sure what I was afraid of. It's not so much life itself or the undertaking of it. I think it's the worth it part. I have been overly blessed in some areas of my life. I have three beautiful, healthy, ornery children. I've struggled, but there's never been a night when I didn't have food in my belly or a roof over my head. So then there comes the question: what more can I possibly want and do I actually deserve better?
I believe that God does want us to be happy. That doesn't mean that life should be devoid of the hard parts, but I think there should be more good than bad. If this is out of balance, steps need to be taken. I can't blame anyone but myself for not having more happiness in my life. I deserve a job that pays better and is more challenging. I deserve to go out once in a while and do something just for me and not feel guilty about leaving the kids with a sitter. And I deserve to find someone that makes me feel good about myself; someone that makes me laugh more than they make me cry; someone with whom I become a better person from knowing them.
I don't expect that these things are just going to fall into my lap. But by making myself open to the possibilities, my new paths may just lead me to this fleeting thing known as happiness. I just need to believe...