Wisdom

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age.  Nothing does - except wrinkles.  It's true, some wines improve with age.  But only if the grapes were good in the first place." ~Abigail Van Buren

While going through my old papers from school, I came across a New Year's resolution list I had made in 1984.  Yeah, I was two (right...) but I apparently already was a very wise person.  

1.  Be kind to everyone.
2.  Lose weight and not eat so much.
3.  Accept things as they are and try not to change them.
4.  Pay more attention to school subjects.
5.  Try not to fight with my parents and brothers.
6.  Use my talents to the fullest.
7.  Help out more at home.
8.  Be myself.
9.  Help people who can't help themselves.
10.  Don't complain when things don't go the way I want them to and don't expect them to.
11.  Be friends to people who need a friend.
12.  Don't be jealous of people who I think have more.
13.  Don't make a fool of myself just for attention and to get into the in crowd. 
14.  Don't give up good friends for false ones.
15.  Keep my new year's resolutions.

I think all of these are still great goals to shoot for even now - 26 (ugh!) years later.   Luckily I think the person I have become embraces most of these on a regular basis.  There's still one or two that I need to work on, but I'm getting there.

So, apparently I was a good grape.  Somewhere down the line some really great bricks went into my foundation.  Thank you if you were one of those bricks!

Alive

"We cannot change yesterday, and we cannot predict tomorrow, but we can live today.  So be alive.  Never let one day pass by without a smile." ~Unknown

I can't tell you what an amazing feeling it is to be alive.   Not just breathing and walking around, but really alive.  You might have known this feeling for a long time, but I haven't.  Everything is so much more.  Exciting.  Uplifting.  Brighter.  Bolder.  Exhilarating.

We are rounding the corner into week 3.  Every day has presented itself with some pretty great memories.  Not everything has turned out exactly as expected.  But good in the end.  School was awesome.  All three kids loved it.  Thank God!  Work, well, was a bit overwhelming at first but I got some great advice from a great friend and that too worked itself out.  Life is settling into a little pattern now.  Well, not really.  But maybe it has a sense of normalcy to it.

Well, about the being alive part.  I keep finding myself just breathing in and realizing how good it feels.  Staring up at the sky thanking Him for getting my life back.  And the one who woke me up.  But it feels good to breathe.  And to feel.  And to truly be happy.  Besides my kids, I guess I never knew how good it felt to be happy.  And content.  And really, really comfortable in my skin.  That feels REALLY good!

So, I am going to continue living.  Really living.  And you know if you see me there will be a smile on my face :)

You Can Go Home

“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power.  A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free." ~Starhawk 

I was going to use the "You can't go home" quote.  But it doesn't apply.  I've found that you can go home.  No, it's not exactly the same.  But it's close.  Really close to the way I remember.  Close enough to be comfortable.  To just feel right.

We had a get-together with a bunch of friends from grade school.  Yeah, I said grade school.  Haven't seen some of these people in 26 years.  Ugh!  That makes me feel really old.  It was amazing!  The things we remember about those times.  I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday but I remember so much about back then.  Yeah, we all look different.  But time has changed us for the better.  We've all had our ups and downs but I think that we are all on the upswing now.  Ready for the future.  No longer bitter about the past.  Chalk it up to learning experiences and moving on.  I want to thank you guys (can't say y'all any more) for a super evening.  Can't wait for the next one!

So I feel a bit like Norm walking into Cheers and everyone yelling my name.  I am in the familiar.  Everyone does know me (at least those who count).  They are welcoming me back and have saved my seat for me even after all of these years.  I have been gone but not at all forgotten.  I am home.

Becoming

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ~Anna Quindlen

Monday was a good day.  More than a good day.  Tackled a small mountain of boxes, most of which got put up and didn't end up on the floor.  Finally got the school shopping done.  Well, almost.  We're still missing one folder.  So off to Walmart in the morning so my daughter doesn't have a heart attack on the first day of school.  

And I got to go shopping.  Which usually ends up frustrating me more than making me happy.  But this trip was a great one.  Have money which is always a plus.  So I go to try on the next size down which is about where I should be.  Nope.  Too big.  Really?  I have to go back out and get the size below that one.  It fits.  Well.  Looks really good.  One of my daughters asked when I got so skinny.  I have to chalk it up to the kickboxing and zumba.  And a few thousand trips up and down the stairs in the last two weeks.   That felt really incredible!

I've long since given up on being perfect.  I just want to be good.  Really good.  And I'm getting there.  I'm happy.  Happier than I think I've ever been in my life.  No, I didn't win the lottery or catch Mr. Right.  Just because of the little things.  Holding my head up and taking the time to look around.  Knowing the side streets better because of the detours.  Loving the detours because they are taking me places I wouldn't otherwise know about.   And not just the road signs.  I'm taking the curve balls life is throwing at me.  About to throw back and then some.

So I'm becoming me.  Who that is I don't know yet.  Let me know if you see her though and what you think about the woman she's becoming!

Stopping To Smell The Roses

"Take time to smell the roses
 Before it is too late.
 Today is full of promise
 Tomorrow will not wait"
 ~Marilyn Ferguson


I'm driving home from my brother's house yesterday.  We're at an intersection and we see a parade that was just starting.  So we stopped.   It turned out to be a great day.  Got to go on a trolley ride (the kids loved it) and heard a great Dixieland jazz band.  Learned a bunch about downtown Willoughby I never knew.  Saw some incredible old homes.   I could have just kept driving.  Probably would have in my old life because there's always something more important to do.




Not this time.  It's not just about me any more.  I see that every step I take is affecting the kids.  In a good way.  They seem happier and more relaxed.  So do I.  Of course we've kind of been on vacation for the last month (except for all the packing, moving, and unpacking).  Still sort of feels like we're living in a hotel minus the cleaning lady and room service.  But we've had some pretty great experiences so far.  There's a lot more to do here.  And there's family and a lot of "friends that were waiting for us to come back."  I've been informed that I can't call them old friends, so I guess that's what I'll refer to them until I get a better name.  So what if we got to the shoe store 15 minutes before closing and had to cram in all school supply shopping today?  The notebooks and markers weren't going anywhere.

But time is.  It flies by so fast. Every day I let pass by me is an opportunity lost.  I'll never get that time back again.  And I've already let so much pass me by.  It might seem that I am trying to cram way too much into an already hectic schedule.  Not really.  I mean, what else are we going to do - sit around the house and watch TV?  Probably.  Instead, I want to fill it with moments.  Memories that will last a lifetime.  Experiences that add to our character.

So we stopped to smell the roses.  And taste the peanuts.  And listen to the band.  It was awesome!

One Week Down

"Life isn't a matter of milestones but of moments." ~Rose F. Kennedy

One week down.  Well, give or take a few days.  Life's been a little busy, so my post is a little late.  For those of you who know me, that's not much of a surprise.  I'm usually late.  For just about everything.  I could make excuses for it, but I won't.  I chalk it up to heredity.

One full week into my new life.  Actually almost two, but one week with the kids and all my junk moved into our new apartment.  I don't count the three days of hell trying to get back from Tennessee.  Well, what have I accomplished in my first week?

• We're moved in.  Me and 3 highly active children.  Big accomplishment!
• Electric, gas, high-speed internet (whoohoo!), phone (another woot for that; no more bad connections on my cell) and tv turned on.  
• Daily trips to Walmart for all those little things (and some big ones) that I seem to forget on my shopping list.  
• Two bunkbeds bought and set up.  
• Attended a back-to-school picnic and new student orientation at the kids' new school.  
• New friends made for both the kids and myself. 
• Attended the Phantom of the Opera for the first time.
• Met up with old friends three times.
• One Lake County Captains game (we won!) and a Cleveland Browns game (we lost that one).
• Two sleepovers for the kids and a trip to the park with the cousins.
• Registered the kids for school (finally).

Oh, and I got a job.  Ended up accepting the one I wasn't sure about.  They loved me so much, they want to give me a better position with more money.  Hmmm.  How often does that happen?  

Next week starts the hectic, back-to-reality lifestyle of Supermom.  New school, new teachers and all the activities that come with the school year.  The week after that I get back into life as a working mom instead of an unemployed bum.  I think I deserved my 5 weeks off though.  I've been working full-time since I was 16.

My deadline was August 24th.  Well, more of a milestone than a deadline.  That's the day that the kids start school.  In exactly five months I went from a married, barely existing shadow of a person in Tennessee to a single, taking everything she can out of life woman in Cleveland.  All but one of my goals on my checklist crossed off.  Can't tell you what that is because it's tied to my shooting star wish.  But that's OK.  I need to have something to look forward to.

So, a lot happened in one week.  Almost all for the good.  Don't know where I'm going from here.  But I know no matter what, it's going to be an adventure.  Here's to the moments...

Letting Go

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ E.M. Forster

The unknown is such a scary place.  It is so frightening sometimes that we stay frozen where we are even if it makes us miserable.  We keep a job that we hate.  Stay in a bad relationship.  Never take that lesson we wanted to because someone called it silly.  Because we are comfortable and as a people we gravitate towards that. 

And since the known is so comfortable, we build our plans around it.  We set long term goals.  You can't really call them dreams if you aren't reaching beyond the bounderies.  They are just whispers of what might have been.  Our potential is quelched by our unwillingness to forge ahead.

Some of us hold so tightly to these plans that it is impossible to see beyond them.  They are our security blanket.   They make us feel so safe that we don't even see the possibilities right in front of us.  We preach about how our lives are so good and even defend them when someone suggests something to the contrary.  We do this so often that we convince ourselves that it is true.

Alas, even I with all the big talk of spreading my wings and leaping have built my hopes on certain plans.  Knowing full well I can't plan for these hopes and dreams.  I have to just let them happen.  It is just so hard to let go.  But I know until I do, the life I deserve will never come to pass.

So I will fight it a little longer.  I guess I'm too much of a control freak not to.  But soon, perhaps sooner than I thought, I am going to have to let go in order for my future to happen...